I understand that our time on this earth is finite. And I understand that you want to maximize your time in your plane of mortal existence. But can you please just fucking stay out of my plane of mortal existence?
I see you there waiting with your backpack you’ve worn since middle school, with a matching pair of plaid pants. I see you stretching your legs after my professor said they were done. I see the gun fire in your eyes as you dash into the room like your 2.7 GPA depends on it. I see you catch a glance of my 3.2 GPA as I habitually check it every hour. Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you have to be a sore loser.
I am not your enemy. I am not one of the snakes you fight to secure the perfect location for zoning in and out of class while checking Facebook. The half-legible notes you wrote while taking a BuzzFeed quiz won’t be affected by allowing me proper space and time to exit this building. That call from your parents where you lie about how great this year is going will not be made better by Black Friday-ing your ass through me.
Please allow me ample time to put away my gaming mouse, as I have long since mastered the art of multitasking, and am able to play minesweeper while also listening to the lecturer. I’ve already watched you run into an empty desk eight times in a row, which you might have difficulty remembering. So let me repeat myself.
Hey asshole, you may want to be ready for class five minutes before your professor even considers walking to this lecture hall, but can you please just allow me safe passage outside? This hellhole of a lecture hall was designed by MC Esher and a small turtle, so when I try to leave five minutes early and you block my path to a different architecturally-confused lecture hall, I am going to not be happy. If I can find you I’m going to have some choice words with you just as soon as I find this exit hidden in a koi pond.
Now, I know that you mean no harm in your actions, and that you missed the day of kindergarten in which they explained that your actions have consequences, but can you please just follow the rules of public transport? If we happen to make eye contact we must fight to the death. Just as the way it should be.
Now this might sound crazy to a person of your intelligence, but if you allow those in your way to move before blocking them in, you’ll actually be able to enter the building faster.
In case you’re still confused, imagine you had two Hot Wheels and one piece of track. If you push the Hot Wheels from both sides of the track, they’ll collide in the center. Now, if the Hot Wheels who is being an asshole would just wait for the Hot Wheels who just wants to go home and take off his socks, both could get where they want to go faster. You would then give those who are impeding your path to the promised land of Warren Lecture Hall 2005 the ability to get out of your all-important way, and can yell at the people exiting York Hall too slowly. Two stairs at a time, asshole.