In addition to routine exorcisms, priests also suggest that children regularly engage in violent projectile vomiting at least twice a week.
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt

In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on in life. Last Thursday, the teams published a detailed report based on extensive studies that advocates for at least two hours of active demon expulsion once a day.

The report illustrated the need for children to “rid their tiny little bodies of Satan” for an average of 14 to 15 hours a week in order to maintain a healthy BMI. The release also emphasized the necessity for parental supervision when practicing the purification ritual; 18 percent of exorcisms in children result in the loss of the child’s soul to the devil. This phenomenon is thought to be caused by a combination of a lack of parental oversight along with an overall shortage of fervent Latin chanting.

Dr. Brenda Martin, the lead researcher at UCLA, held a press conference on Tuesday which addressed many concerns brought up by other members of the scientific community and worried parents.

When asked by a reporter how she made the connection between childhood obesity and demonic possession, Martin recounted, “One day on the playground when I was just a wee lass, I noticed a strange development in the body of one of my classmates. He had just eaten three whole McDonald’s kids meals for lunch, and complained all afternoon that his stomach was gurgling like the river Styx. By the end of the day when his mother came to pick him up, he vomited up what could only be the carcass of one of Lucifer’s spawn. It was then I knew there had to be some connection between overweight children and the demonic occupancy of a person’s physical form.”

Tanya Brandy, a churchgoing parent and a resolute supporter of this new study, told reporters on Friday, “Soon after the report was published, I knew immediately that my little Josiah had Satan burrowed into the pits of his soul. He recently turned 13 and had been eating like a pig, cussing like a sailor, and acting out like a liberal arts student.

“I phoned my priest that evening and he performed an exorcism on my son after we had a lovely dinner of spareribs and steak fries. It only took the priest 15 minutes to get my son to vomit what my priest believes to have been three entire demon carcases and the head of a Lego man. Now, my son has lost 15 pounds and any desire he previously had to worship Satan. He also lost any desire to do go to school, play with friends, or do anything else, but I’m sure it will all work out once enough family friends pray for him!”

Although Brandy claims to have had a positive experience with the exorcism, several skeptics have asked the scientific and religious community to denounce all demon exorcisms on children. Keenan Anderson, a medical practitioner of family medicine, has launched a campaign called “#EndExorcism” in an effort to reduce the number of families that practice devil purging.

“The thing that these kids are lacking are healthy dietary habits. Not religious fervor, which parents seem to be showering them with plenty of already,” said Anderson.community to denounce all demon exorcisms on children. Keenan Anderson, a medical practitioner of family medicine, has launched a campaign called “#EndExorcism” in an effort to reduce the number of families that practice devil purging.

“The thing that these kids are lacking are healthy dietary habits. Not religious fervor, which parents seem to be showering them with plenty of already,” said Anderson.

#EndExorcism has since garnered widespread support across the nation and the national exorcism rate has returned to relatively normal levels. However, some groups still fiercely criticise the campaign as “unscientific” and “irrational” such as religious fundamentalists, homeopathy practitioners, and parents who do not vaccinate their children.