Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women

Following a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. “Brothers of TriAlpha,” McDaniel began in an announcement posted within his frat house, “I’ve spent the last week of our cancer awareness campaign on a beer, weed, and MDMA cocktail. And while it was awesome … that’s not the point I’m trying to make. My main point is that in the middle of that bender, I came to some pretty grim realizations — namely that as of right now, TriAlpha is currently an environment steeped in toxic masculinity which results in objectification of women, exclusionary policies, and numerous other issues which I’m sure you’re at least somewhat aware of. And I gotta say, that honestly sounds like some Sigma Kappa Sigma shit, not TriAlpha.”

Though McDaniel credits his drug-fueled experience for his epiphany, his message carried weight with other members, especially among new pledges. “For once, it’s great to hear someone come out and discourage a lot of the negative things you typically hear about frats,” said Jeremiah Ferguson, a first-year. “I may have pledged primarily as an excuse to binge drink, but I’m pretty proud that it aligns with my views of ‘don’t assault people,’ and ‘don’t be racist,’ too.”

Another fraternity brother, Rory Alvar, also voiced his support. “I can’t say I disagree with Richard,” said Alvar. “We’ve been going pretty hard, and our chapter has been under threat of suspension for a few months now. I think if any time is time for a ‘come to Jesus’ moment or whatever, it’s now. ‘Cause I don’t know about you, but I really don’t wanna have to give up throwing ragers every weekend.” Alvar later inquired if “coming to Jesus” meant they could “turn water into wine,” which received a “very hard maybe” from the chapter’s president.

Since his announcement, McDaniel claims he has noticed significant change in his day-to-day and weekend lifestyles. “Normally, when I’m walking around campus, I would wear my sunglasses and check out all the babes without them noticing,” McDaniel noted. “But now, I can walk with confidence and give people subtle head nods while looking at what really counts — their eyes. Plus, at parties, I don’t just play Edward Fortyhands and try to get laid anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still go hard. There’s absolutely no question about that. But you know, it’s amazing what will happen once you have a strong sense of right and wrong. The men and women in my general vicinity, especially those who I play Edward Fortyhands with, have thanked me. My liver though? My liver still hates me.”

While it’s not clear that other fraternities will follow in TriAlpha’s footsteps, McDaniel says that he’s proud of the work his fraternity has done so far. “You know, it’s pretty incredible that TriAlpha has managed to turn itself around like this,” McDaniel smiled, a tear rolling down his cheek. “As the leader of TriAlpha’s upcoming spirit week, I wanna make sure we get hammered, demolish Sigma Kappa Sigma at the inter-fraternity Olympics, and most importantly … love each other, ourselves, and our fellow man, woman, or non-binary person.”