Briefs
One Dead and Three Injured in Emotionally-Charged Car Ride
“It was a bloodbath, emotionally speaking,” confided Orin Euphrate. “Technically no one died. It was more of a spiritual death than anything, with Constance being immediately …
Bean Bag Shipments to Russia Halted in Support of Ukraine
Following the Russian Army’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Mr. Charles Dawkins, CEO of the furniture company Crockery Farm, has announced that bean bag chairs will no …
Local Journalist Slammed for Using Snow Cones Instead of Snowclones
San Diego journalist Canderson Hooper has come under fire for bringing snow cones to work instead of writing “mindless drivel” through using snowclones. His boss, Calter …
Genentech Slated to Release Highly Anticipated “Human 2.0” Update
Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside …
Self-Proclaimed “Main Character” Dies After Parachuteless Skydiving Attempt
Widespread panic was reported in a small suburb outside San Diego this weekend when a “flying, screaming man” fell out of the sky. Sources later confirmed …
Ukraine Moves Country to the Middle of Russia
On Tuesday morning, Russian farmers were surprised by the sight of the nation of Ukraine in their backyards, after Ukraine’s populace picked up their entire country …
Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCs
Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCS The first trailer for the Halo Paramount TV series released on January 29th to fans across the globe …
Candy Hearts to Contain More Specific Declarations of Love
“This Valentine’s Day, we’re trying to get a leg up on the competition, nonsexually,” stated Paula Helvetica, head of Marketing at Sweetheart’s Candies. “Studies show that …
Damning Photos Surface of Tucker Carlson With the Green M&M
A few days ago, an anonymous user posted photos of famed Fox News host Tucker Carlson leaving a Motel 6 with the Green M&M. Immediately, the …
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator
Escaped Lab Mouse Takes up Residence in Seventh College Elevator Last Friday, first-year Seventh College student Christopher Crumbs reported seeing a mouse on one of the …
