Briefs

Briefs

The War on Lawn Decor Intensifies, Tragedies in Gnome Man’s Land

Written by: Sharon Roth

Mr. and Mrs. Jennings’ front yard is a scene of devastation after the most recent battle in the war on lawn decor. The ensuing skirmish resulted …

Briefs

Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media

Written by: Maria Dhilla

Unrecorded UCSD Lecture Now Considered Lost Media This past Friday, a small group of students claimed to see a lecture that has no digital recording or …

Briefs

UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number

Written by: Everett Ririe

UCSD Student Discovers the Last Number On January 20th, a moderator of the “Class of 2024” Discord server created a new channel titled “Counting,” which was …

Briefs

Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread

Written by: Elizabeth Overton

Mom, I Would Like a Piece of Bread I am famished. Starving. Excruciatingly hungry. I am but a six-year-old flower, wasting away. Indeed, my sweet little …

Briefs

Local Gnomes Open Restaurant

Written by: Sharon Roth

Local Gnomes Open Restaurant World-renowned sommelier Emille Turnpike- Flashdrive, who is a gnome, opened a restaurant with his wife Gretna Flashdrive-Turnpike, who is also a gnome. …

Briefs

Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today

Written by: Theo Erickson

Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While …

Briefs

Sun God Weeps During Finals Week

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

Sun God Weeps During Finals Week Early this morning, second- year Jeremy Beremy was walking to an 8 a.m. class and reported seeing a trickle of …

Briefs

Local Queer Couple Speedrun Marriage Any Percent

Written by: Robin Brewin

Local Queer Couple Speedrun Marriage Any Percent Nonbinary lesbian couple Anne B. Goye and Robynn Drew have set a new record for modern queer marriages, managing …

Briefs

Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft

Written by: Everett Ririe

Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft On November 22 at 1:38 a.m., an anonymous resident of Seventh College Tower West called campus …

Briefs

Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue Big Jim’s Local Grocery has been hit hard by the pandemic, and struggled to pick itself up …