Briefs
Local Gnomes Open Restaurant
Local Gnomes Open Restaurant World-renowned sommelier Emille Turnpike- Flashdrive, who is a gnome, opened a restaurant with his wife Gretna Flashdrive-Turnpike, who is also a gnome. …
Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today
Everyone Went to Bed Without Flossing Today After months of research, a Stanford lab concluded that literally everyone went to sleep without flossing beforehand today. While …
Sun God Weeps During Finals Week
Sun God Weeps During Finals Week Early this morning, second- year Jeremy Beremy was walking to an 8 a.m. class and reported seeing a trickle of …
Local Queer Couple Speedrun Marriage Any Percent
Local Queer Couple Speedrun Marriage Any Percent Nonbinary lesbian couple Anne B. Goye and Robynn Drew have set a new record for modern queer marriages, managing …
Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft
Seventh College Man Waiting for Broken Elevator Scales Elevator Shaft On November 22 at 1:38 a.m., an anonymous resident of Seventh College Tower West called campus …
Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue
Struggling Grocery Chain Adds Battle Pass to Generate Revenue Big Jim’s Local Grocery has been hit hard by the pandemic, and struggled to pick itself up …
Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor
Sun God to Be Demoted to Sun Emperor In what was described as a “shocking turn of events” by students, it was found that walking backwards …
Surfer Crashes After Catching Wave That Was Also a Particle
Surfer Crashes After Catching Wave That Was Also a Particle Local surfer Brad Mc- Broski reportedly suffered injuries in a surfing accident, leaving him in a …
Woman Unfortunately Not Haunted by Cool Ghost –– Just Her Past
Woman Unfortunately Not Haunted by Cool Ghost –– Just Her Past “It’s horrible, I might go insane,” claimed Daniela Rumour. “And not in the fun way …
Price Center’s TapEx Is Tired of Being Confused for Tampax –– Considers Rename
Price Center’s TapEx Is Tired of Being Confused for Tampax –– Considers Rename Tapioca Express, the only boba shop on campus for decades, has recently mostly …
