Articles
United States Places 200% Tariffs on North Pole Imports
“Can you really put tariffs on goods that move exclusively through international airspace?” asked one pedant. Amid the developing trade war between the United States and…
Santa on Ozempic
“Ho, ho, ho, Ozempic,” sang Santa Claus. In a “shocking” development jingling the Christmas world, sources confirm that Santa Claus has been on an “Ozempic journey…
How to Have a Hot Girl Hanukkah
As an advance warning, this holiday guide will end with boiling yourself in oil. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves! I haven’t introduced the …
Bruce Wayne and Batman Caught Together at Charity Gala
“Bruce and the Bat bouncing on it?” riddled The Riddler.Photo by Amit Roth According to attendees of last Saturday’s Wayne Charity Gala, bachelor and philanthropist Bruce …
Santa Requests Protein Shake Instead of Milk and Cookies
“I heard reindeer meat is protein-rich,” said Claus. His reindeer could not be reached for comment. In a recent press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus announced that, instead of the traditional…
I Guess Some Earthlings Are Also Considered ‘Aliens’
Today marks the 283rd day since I first arrived on Earth. For some context: I only came to this planet to acquire the minerals you call …
Local Man Protests Early Christmas Cheer With ‘Thanksgiving Carols’
“I’m putting the thanks back in Thanksgiving,” said John Scroggie. In an effort to counter Westfield UTC businesses playing Christmas music in early November, La Jolla …
Nirvana Discovered on Border Between Hypomania and Mania
“Wait, can I just, like, pretend to do this without the caffeine?” said one social media influencer. At approximately 2 a.m. this past Tuesday, UC San …
UCSD Announces Another Construction Project
“When I can’t sleep and the beam passes the window, I can see the silhouette of my roommate…pleasuring himself…” said one student. Chancellor Pradeep Khosla announced …
UCSD Writing Programs Introduce New ‘Metamorphic’ Curriculum to Fail Students
“What does the use of the space bar say about the author’s intentions?” asked one professor. Multiple UC San Diego writing programs announced that they will be completely rehauling…
