“Can you really put tariffs on goods that move exclusively through international airspace?” asked one pedant.
Photo by Ariel Chen
Amid the developing trade war between the United States and other countries, the Trump administration will now impose tariffs on the North Pole. This comes just before an expected increase in present delivery this holiday season. According to a report from the Department of the Treasury, which prompted the change, the U.S. loses nearly $1 billion in revenue due to the “importation of Christmas presents without charge.” President Trump took to Truth Social to address the situation, stating, “Why does the NORTH POLE get to manufacture AND deliver the presents? We have plenty of hardworking Americans, the hardest working, I think, willing to make them. Effective NOW, I will be placing a 200 percent tariff, yes, 200 percent, on the North Pole until Sleazy Claus and I can come to a deal.”
American households will begin to feel the effects of these tariffs on December 24, as economists project price inflation for popular Christmas gifts. Reportedly, gaming consoles will be marked up 147%, stuffed animals 96%, and treadmills at a “record-breaking” 1%. Children are advised to “reconsider what they really want for Christmas” as they work on their wishlists.
“What do you mean I have to start paying for my presents?” asked local present receiver Tiny Tim. “Santa always got me them for free. I better start losing more teeth fast so the Tooth Fairy can help me pay for them. At this rate, I might have to start pulling them out myself!”
The Trump administration revealed they will enact an executive order mandating that all Christmas presents be made in America and prohibiting further imports from the North Pole. They plan to build several present-making factories within a select number of national parks, with anticipated locations in Death Valley and the Everglades National Park. When asked about the construction of the factories, Trump replied, “I know more about factories than the next three guys! Phony elves won’t have travel visas, so we’ll have to resort to alternatives. I heard that our great American children are yearning to make presents in these great, beautiful factories. This will be the golden age of American Christmas!”
The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has also proposed changes to the “timeless” tradition of leaving out milk and cookies for Santa. “The last thing these kids should be eating is a goddamn sugar cookie,” said Secretary of HHS, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “What they need instead are the ominous vitamin A cubes they will receive for every present-making quota reached. We need to make America and, more importantly, Christmas healthy again!”
The Trump administration has taken additional measures to ensure that Santa Claus does not deliver presents himself. According to the Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, “If Mr. Claus makes the bold move of flying into the country to deliver the presents, we will have no choice but to enact his deportation back to the South Pole.”
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