“I’m putting the thanks back in Thanksgiving,” said John Scroggie.
In an effort to counter Westfield UTC businesses playing Christmas music in early November, La Jolla resident John Scroggie has begun to pen his own Thanksgiving-themed carols.
“I will not give in to the radical, early-Christmas agenda,” stated Scroggie. “Jesus slid out smoothly on December 25 at 6:30 p.m., and not a minute sooner. The only thing born in November was red-blooded Americanism, and I think that deserves celebration.”
Reactions to Scroggie’s carols have been mixed, with some mall employees welcoming him with open arms, and others petitioning to have him banned from the mall.
“He’s…weird,” remarked Hollister cashier Ivy Roud. “On November 1, he appeared the moment my coworker Holly put on ‘Jingle Bells’ to tell us the song was written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas. The next day, he showed up dressed as a bowl of mashed potatoes — no idea where he found a costume like that — and began to sing some weird version of ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ dedicated to cranberry sauce. It was bizarre. And he keeps coming back, every day. We’re this close to closing the store until December 26, just so he’ll leave us alone.”
Scroggie’s carols have proven unpopular among UTC customers, who’ve described him as an “obnoxious eccentric,” a “creep,” a “weirdo,” a “loser,” and “dangerously unhinged.” One frustrated customer, Jeanette Finno, has begun a counterprotest effort, leading a group of singers in renditions of traditional carols whenever Scroggie appears.
“It’s not right. It really isn’t,” said Finno. “First they take Christ out of Christmas and make us all say ‘Happy Holidays’, and now this bastard wants to stop me from singing ‘We Three Kings’ to my little angels? I won’t stand for it. Come hell or high water, I’ll still be here, singing ‘Personent Hodie’ on Judgement Day.”
Seemingly undeterred by criticism, Scroggie maintains it is “[his] life’s mission” to “stamp out Christmas heretics.”
“Listening to Christmas music before December isn’t just disrespectful to the fine holiday of Thanksgiving, but to every November holiday,” Scroggie said. “International Men’s Day is on November 19, but the only man anybody wants to celebrate this month is Jesus, apparently. That’s actually the holiday I’m planning to write carols for next. I think there’s a lot of material there.”
Scroggie has reportedly written Thanksgiving versions for almost every piece of music associated with Christmas. UTC customers and workers have reported hearing everything from “Thanksgiving Tree Farm” to “In the Bleak November”. While the majority of visitors have expressed frustrations with his work, some shoppers and employees are appreciative.
“What John is doing is revolutionary, he’s challenging the establishment and standing up to Big Christmas,” said shopper Adam Baring-Gould. “I love his songs, and anyone who doesn’t can cope and seethe.”
“Meeting John was…transcendent,” remarked lululemon worker Isabella Rosetti. “At first I was scared of him, to be honest. He showed up in a fake sleigh driven by eight turkeys, dressed in a full pilgrim outfit — buckled shoes and all — and I almost called security. But then he started singing, and by God, he has the voice of an angel. His songs appeared in my dream last night. I was walking through a snowy landscape, except the snow was mashed potatoes, and over the gentle howling of the wind I heard him singing ‘All I Want for Thanksgiving is Food’. When I woke up, my pillow was sodden with tears. You know, I’ve actually been inspired by John to write some songs of my own. Does ‘Baby it’s Surprisingly Temperate for a November Day Outside’ roll off the tongue?”
The MQ’s publicity editor and tavern wench, Claire is allegedly a second-year theatre major. When not doomscrolling for post ideas, she can be found slithering around the Galbraith basement, trying to bring back “forsooth”, and listening to Kate Bush’s hit 1978 album The Kick Inside.
