News
FDA Approves Dave’s Thursday Night Plans to “Hang with the Guys”
This week, the Food and Drug Administration approved pharmaceutical CEO Dave Forfa’s plans to “just go grab some wings and catch the game” this upcoming Thursday. …
U.S. Makes Extra Small, Extra Large Wallets Adjusts to Income Inequality
Lead wallet producers across the nation are uniting to create new lines of wallets varying greatly in size, but all equally stylish. The shift in design …
Area Man Finds Key to Happiness in Meditation, Two Kilos of Cocaine
Area man Marcos Stoffer was in his apartment late Monday night when he had a breakthrough in his life-long search for the key to true happiness. …
Local Diner Overhauls Menu, Serves Only “Shit Sandwiches”
Eagles’ Cafe, a popular local restaurant, has implemented drastic menu changes as part of a general overhaul of the restaurant’s branding, expected to continue into this …
California Union Union Members Go On Strike, Halting California Union Strikes
The California Union Union, the largest California professional “union union,” which protects union union members working in unions, went on strike Friday, effectively ceasing most of …
President Erdogan Outlines New Plan to Use Ataturk Rolling Over in Grave as Renewable Energy Source
The turmoil in Turkey following the recent failed coup attempt in July seemed to find a reprieve last week as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced …
Amateur Acupuncturists Under Fire for Unknowingly Administering Vaccines
The California-based A.A.A.A.A.A. (Association of Amateur Acupuncturists and Alternative Ailment Alleviators) announced that over the past year, some of its members had accidentally administered vaccines to …
U.S. Bans All GMOs “Except the Really Cool Ones”
The FDA recently released a set of stricter guidelines for producing GMOs, allowing for only products exhibiting the highest scores in categories such as “color/shiny index …
Literature Building Scheduled for Demolition: Deemed Definitely Maybe Irrelevant
In a recent press release, UCSD has announced that the Literature Building is scheduled for demolition by 2018, after years of safety concerns. This comes as …
New Study Finds 12 Percent of Millennials
Top sociology researchers at Cornish College for the Arts in Seattle released a study earlier in the week finding approximately 12 percent of millennials in the …
