News
New Artificially Intelligent Chairs Develop Strong Opinions on Politics
This month, the tech company “Chairish.” has come out with a leap in artificial intelligence technology. Designed for the typical American family, Chairish.’s new dining room …
Social Media Companies Fix Fake News Problem, Nothing Changes
After being alerted to the issue of false stories spread online, companies like Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook systematically purged all publishers of fake news from their …
UCSD Student Literally Couch Surfing To Avoid Rent
Police were confused last Sunday when they investigated what appeared to be a landmass constructed of old couches tied together and tethered to a pier. When …
2019 Met Gala Theme Leaked: “Veganism”
According to an insider tip, the Met Gala theme for 2019 is already in the works, with many well-known celebrities preparing in advance. Considering this year’s …
Elon Musk To Build Massive Space Gun, End Homelessness
In a press conference today, CEO and philanthropist Elon Musk announced two new business projects in the defense and public service industry. Though some speculated the …
U.S. Children Secede, Form Gun-Free Country
This month, former U.S. citizens under the age of 18 established a gun-free country called Kidonia in response to decades of inaction over school shootings. “We …
Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged
In what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 …
Elon Musk Unveils All-Electric Attack Helicopter
Following the success of the Roadsters, Tesla’s line of all-electric luxury cars, Tesla CEO and co-founder Elon Musk announced on Thursday the company’s “logical next step” …
Local Astrologists Find Geminis to Be More Dangerous Than Previously Thought
Late last week, local Astrologist Tammy Cusp completed her life’s work when she published a report documenting the findings of her research concluding that Geminis are …
Confused Woman Accidentally Drives to Eighth Floor of Geisel Library
This past Tuesday, construction workers entering the eighth floor of Geisel Library received a shock upon finding a red 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier sedan amongst the bookshelves. …
