News
Developer of “Melted Ice” Releases New Product Line: “Condensed Steam”
A rising star in the refreshment industry, Pepperson, Co., recently announced the much anticipated release of Condensed Steam (patent pending). Pryce Pepperson, CEO of Pepperson, Co., …
KKK Adjusts to Social Climate with New Progressive Corporate Policies
The KKK released their plan to incorporate new progressive policies last week, in an attempt to recruit new liberal members, and gain support in their effort …
Elon Musk Plans Underwater Mars Colony
SpaceX CEO Elon Musk recently released an ambitious plan to colonize Mars, finding a way to make his lifelong fetish of living on the Red Planet …
UCSD Requires Integrity Tutorial, Pre-Med Students More Cutthroat Than Ever
Incoming UCSD freshmen and transfers were surprised in October when they received an email requiring that they complete an “academic integrity tutorial.” Upon opening the email, …
Local Instagram Users Capture Never-Before-Seen Sunset
A group of Instagrammers managed to photograph what they described as “a sunset like no one had ever seen in the transition between WebMD’s list of …
Toupee Manufacturer Severs Ties with GOP Candidate Donald Trump
Toupee manufacturer Faux Follicles for Falluses, Inc. formally rescinded its support for prospective GOP candidate Donald Trump in a press conference Friday. Though the company initially …
Neighboring Holidays Grow Nervous as Christmas Continues to Expand
The holidays of October and November have grown increasingly more concerned as Christmas has begun expanding into late November, the latest development in Christmas’ unrelenting campaign …
Freshman Attempts Fresh Start, Grows Shitty Beard
Freshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached …
Freshman’s First Bus Ride Leads To Self Realization as Navigator, Woman
Freshman chemical engineering major Heather Turley sees herself as a renewed, independent adult of the post-Nixon era after catching the 201 bus from campus to La …
Student Helps to Fight Drought, Continues to Not Shower
Local hero Brian Mulligan announced on Facebook last Wednesday that he is giving up his personal hygiene in order to combat the severe drought in California. …
