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Millennials Dump Illuminati, Embrace Scientology as Ultimate Truth

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“Just like converting fish in a barrel,” said Hubbard.
Photo by: Jaz Twersky

In a surprising mass exodus, millennials are beginning to leave the Illuminati, one of the United States’ most popular cults, for a more “retro” form of worship. On September 28, exactly a month after the MTV Video Music Awards, an alleged member of the Illuminati came forward with a shocking development regarding the organization’s membership count. The Illuminati member wished to remain anonymous, but created the alias Wanye Kest; he announced in a statement that, “We’re just not cool anymore. Everyone’s doing Scientology now. To put it simply: Scientology is lit.”

Kest disclosed in a press release that the Illuminati discussed their loss of followers succeeding the VMAs where Beyonce reportedly “slayed the house down.” Kest upheld that the Illuminati are notorious for their secrecy and discretion regarding their members, leadership, and meeting places; however, he provided local media outlets with details of the most recent meeting.

“Sometimes we meet in fancy restaurants, or Foot Locker locations, or we go to a Starbucks. This time we decided to meet underground in West Hollywood. It looked kinda like the sewage lair from Ninja Turtles. They even had pizza,” said Kest.

When asked about what caused the Illuminati to lose members, Kest offered, “Man, I don’t fucking know. Do I look like some kind of a gingerbread genie to you?”

Later, Kest revealed that millennials, who had been the source of the Illuminati’s popularity, were abandoning it in favor of Scientology, a cult whose popularity skyrocketed in the 1990s. With the allure of actors like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and Bob Barker, Kest stated it was nearly impossible for millennials to resist the transition to Scientology.

Dr. Doug Debritto, a renowned expert in cultic studies and the top researcher of the Comprehensive Organization of Cult and Klans, made the case that Scientology, along with other 90s fads, is “coming back into style.”

“When you walk down the street, you see young men wearing plaid shirts with uncombed hair, who look like they slept in trees. And then you also see young ladies wearing combat boots with leather jackets or Jell-O shoes with crop tops and scrunchies,” said Debritto. “If millennials are willing to dress like delirious drug fiends, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to assume them to be members of a cult like Scientology.”

Austin Bennett, a 20-year-old Scientologist explained his reasoning for leaving the Illuminati in order to join Scientology.

“My friend told me that Scientology has been around longer than Christianity and was invented when dinosaurs were alive,” Bennett explained. “Apparently it was invented by Fred Flintstone, and that dude makes bomb-ass cereal. I bet if Benjamin Franklin were real he would believe in Scientology.”

Following Kest’s statement, the Illuminati’s official Twitter account, @TheIlluminati123, revealed that the cult would be having its final meeting on October 31. The tweet read, “We done 4 now. End of the world party @ White House. It’ll be lit af. Costume party & enough Kool-Aid for everyone hope you can make it ;)”

According to Kest, Kool-Aid and white robes will be provided to party-goers, and those who are interested in the Illuminati’s Halloween party can receive more information by calling T. Swift at (408) 406-8078 or by visiting the Lincoln Memorial at 2 a.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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