News
Toupee Manufacturer Severs Ties with GOP Candidate Donald Trump
Toupee manufacturer Faux Follicles for Falluses, Inc. formally rescinded its support for prospective GOP candidate Donald Trump in a press conference Friday. Though the company initially …
Neighboring Holidays Grow Nervous as Christmas Continues to Expand
The holidays of October and November have grown increasingly more concerned as Christmas has begun expanding into late November, the latest development in Christmas’ unrelenting campaign …
Freshman Attempts Fresh Start, Grows Shitty Beard
Freshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached …
Freshman’s First Bus Ride Leads To Self Realization as Navigator, Woman
Freshman chemical engineering major Heather Turley sees herself as a renewed, independent adult of the post-Nixon era after catching the 201 bus from campus to La …
Student Helps to Fight Drought, Continues to Not Shower
Local hero Brian Mulligan announced on Facebook last Wednesday that he is giving up his personal hygiene in order to combat the severe drought in California. …
UCSD Student Fails COGS 107A, Turing Test
A study conducted by the Cognitive Science Student Association in adjunct with Associated Students as part of their grade distribution collection has determined that third-year UC …
George R.R. Martin Allegedly Killed Off by Own Characters
George R. R. Martin, considered by some to be the most prolific serial killer in history, was found dead in his home last Sunday with a …
President of UCs Makes $570,000, Can Almost Afford UC Tuition
University of California President Janet Napolitano has almost reached her goal of funding her first year of college at a UC. Napolitano, who claims she couldn’t …
La Jolla Hammerhead Admits Dissatisfaction with Local Real Estate, Heads Back to Mexico
La Jolla Shores Beach was emptied last week in response to a hammerhead shark sighting. Contrary to popular belief and hearsay, the shark had not arrived …
Freshman Pre-Med Calls It, UCSD’s Official Time of Death Oct. 9, 10:28 PM
On October 9, Michael Zhao officially called it. Listing the time of death as 10:28 pm, Zhao loudly proclaimed that UCSD truly was UC Socially Dead. …
