News
Therapy Fluffies Wait Time Over Four Weeks
Students at UCSD who depend on university resources like therapy dogs for their stress relief are no strangers to long lines and disappointing sessions, but many …
Arizona Teen Announces Readiness to Go “Full Emo” If Stepfather’s Sanctions Continue
Citing “bullshit rules,” and a household being run “like a freaking dictatorship,” 14-year-old Brandon Plank from Scottsdale, Arizona announced that he would consider taking “drastic measures” …
Turkish Comic Jailed for Calling President Erdogan’s Hairline “The Real Migration Crisis”
The comedy club at the Tekirdag prison in Turkey welcomed a new member earlier in the month when local comedian Ersin Ozince was sentenced to twenty …
Scientists Finally Demolish the Greenhouse that Has Been Causing Global Warming
In a sudden reversal, environmental scientists have declared that global warming will in fact stop by the year 2022, thanks to the efforts of the environmental …
Ecological Survey Sheds Light on Uncharted Depths of SIO
Scripps Institute of Oceanography is one of the oldest and most important parts of UCSD. Yet despite the close relationship UCSD shares with Scripps, there is …
Population Embarks on Operant Conditioning of Government
In a new Gallup poll, a majority of Americans have admitted to being part of a large grassroots effort to try to train the government to …
Recess Canceled After Polarizing Mud-Slinging Fight
Vernon Elementary School recess was halted abruptly this Tuesday, and is suspended until further notice, after a series of impassioned outbursts and an extensive mud fight …
Out-of-State Student’s Fish Dies Just in Time for Summer Break
Local betta fish, Jason Sparklefin, was found dead late Monday night at the age of eight months, due to reported malnutrition. His death was confirmed Tuesday …
Researchers Find that Title of Children’s Book is Barinsten Baers, Society Crumbles
In a shocking development this past Friday, scientists from the University of Virginia have revealed an extensive amount of research that proves that the popular children’s …
Aspiring Achievers Cofounder Falls Short of Clinching Treasurer Position in Club Elections
Third year undergraduate Jane Footick stormed out of Aspiring Achievers’ third GBM of spring quarter where, despite her significant prior sacrifices that brought the organization to …
