Elon Musk To Build Massive Space Gun, End Homelessness

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

“Wow, it’s a full gun out tonight!” said an observer.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

In a press conference today, CEO and philanthropist Elon Musk announced two new business projects in the defense and public service industry. Though some speculated the ventures would be unrelated, the  conference revealed Musk’s plan to combine the two, resulting in a social property plan that some argue utilize the best aspects of LBJ’s “Great Society” and Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.”

The first part of Musk’s plan involves sending a large conventional weapon into space (in this case, a large Colt 1911) to launch precision strikes on targets. The gun will feature GPS targeting and five different types of ammunition, ranging from rubber to explosive rounds. Although some critics have cited the Outer Space Treaty signed by over 100 countries as evidence that Musk cannot launch a weapon into outer space, supporters have been quick to point out that the treaty only mentions “weapons of mass destruction,” which would be impossible as Musk currently plans to use the gun to destroy “incredibly specific targets,” rather than massive ones.

Musk’s second plan is slightly more ambitious: end all homelessness within a matter of years. According to the United Nations, there are approximately 100 million homeless people in the world. This means that even if a homeless person was housed every 30 seconds, homelessness would be eradicated in slightly over 95 years — well over the five years that Musk is promising. Despite this fact, Musk’s keen business sense has lead him to a “more efficient” method of solving homelessness, which just so happens to involve his first plan.

“Everybody, especially those who make more than minimum wage, know that homelessness is an epidemic that has plagued our society for far too long,” Musk announced, “but how are we supposed to test my space gun and solve homelessness with only a finite amount of money? The solution, you ask? Kill two birds with one stone. Or, in this case, kill the homeless. With bullets.”

Musk’s announcement was universally praised among self-identified millionaires and economically anxious individuals of all backgrounds. “Of course, Musk loves to build All-American,” explained Ron McFarrin, a political commentator and proud member of the one percent, “That plays in his favor to a lot of working class Americans, as well as Republicans who want more manufacturing jobs brought back to the States, but he also has the Democrats on board too, due to the promise of solving homelessness. He’s playing his cards perfectly.”

The projects have also caught the eye of politicians and their respective PACs. The Twitter account for the National Rifle Association tweeted, “The #MuskGun is all we’ve ever wanted in a firm, powerful weapon. We don’t know if we’ll be able to handle the morning after the #MuskGun shoots, but we are glad Musk hardened his stance.” Though, the tweet was taken down after the organization said their account had been hacked.

The announcement did bring some complaints, however. Some accused Musk of trying to appear more politically neutral in preparation for a potential 2020 presidential run, while others have questioned the gun’s ability to remove the homeless, saying more money should be moved to ammunition. However, plans have yet to be finalized, and Musk has stated that he is open to feedback. As a result, he has recently started a new website where anyone’s opinion can be submitted for the price of a box of 9mm bullets.

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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