Gaping Hole in Area Woman’s Fishnets Threatens to Expand to Her Butt Crack

Written by: Sage Cristal

After the duct tape didn’t work, Minral unsuccessfully tried to hot glue her fishnets.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

Last Thursday night, local news vans crowded around the perimeter of Athena Minral’s apartment after a rumor centered on the current structural integrity of her leg-wear. After a thorough investigation of Minral’s situation, it appeared that the hole in her fishnet tights was threatening to expand all the way to her butt crack. Just minutes before the media frenzy, Minral had posted a video on Facebook that captured her doing a cartwheel, the act that is believed to have caused the initial hole in her fishnets. Minral told reporters that moments after posting the video and seeing her fishnets rip, many of the threads on her butt were weakening and preparing to break.

Upon seeing the news teams, Minral reached out to her community and gave a tear-filled interview in which she mourned the lost threads that had held her fishnets together. Minral also told reporters, “I cannot and will not give up on these fishnets. I’m giving you my word that I will mend my tights as soon as time allows, and once that happens, I’ll continue with the sexiest tumbling routine you have ever witnessed.”

Almost a week has passed since the initial tear occurred, and friends of Minral have reported that no progress has been made on repairing her fishnets. Natalie Noland, Minral’s roommate, told reporters that on Tuesday night, rather than mending her fishnets, Minral took a two hour shower, took three hours to get dressed, and stared at a spider in the corner of her room for an hour and a half before going to bed for the night. Noland also told reporters that since Minral’s interview, she has received many strongly-worded letters from her followers asking her to repair her tights.

In response to these letters, each follower received the same letter from Minral that read, “I hear you and your complaints, and you make a sound argument. I am doing the best I can and my fishnets will be repaired as soon as possible. Just get off my fishnet-covered ass.”

Though many recipients of the letters are apathetic regarding the slow mending process, a group of free-thinkers have joined together to take the job into their own hands. Originating in the La Jolla Retirement Home, a group of skilled ex-seamstresses have banded together to try to fix Minral’s fishnets themselves. Calling themselves “Aging Needle-Workers Against Slow Sewing” or ANASS, the women have publicly spoke out against Minral’s empty promises.

The president of ANASS, Eleanor Connry, told reporters, “Minral has shown no effort to try to repair her ripped fishnets, and the people of ANASS refuse to stand idly by while the hole continues to expand. We ask that either Minral demonstrates an intention to fix the tights, or that she hands them over to ANASS to fix them. Either way, this hole must be fixed.”

As of this morning, Minral has not given an official response to ANASS. Noland, a member of UCSD’s gymnastics team, told reporters this morning, “Our community can’t continue to live in these conditions. I hope Minral understands that what she’s doing will have an effect on the upcoming gymnastics team election. No one’s going to vote Minral as president if every time she goes to perform a back handspring, her butt crack is exposed under her fishnets. If Minral does not begin to uphold our standards, it is unlikely that her fishnets will continue to uphold her butt.”

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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