November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


UCSD Student Literally Couch Surfing To Avoid Rent

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

According to Neilson, loan sharks are still a very real issue.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

Police were confused last Sunday when they investigated what appeared to be a landmass constructed of old couches tied together and tethered to a pier. When police approached the pile of couches, they found second year UCSD student Savannah Neilson asleep on one of the couches, apparently having taken up residence on the mountain of used furniture.

Neilson informed reporters that she had been living on the landmass for a few months, ever since she was unable to find an affordable apartment. “I mean, I tried a lot,” Neilson stated, “but I have to pay tuition, and I don’t have the money to do that and pay rent at the same time.”

Neilson reported that she was unable to find a job since she had no reliable way to go to work, but she couldn’t buy a car because she didn’t have a job to pay for it. Between tuition and food, she was left with only the furniture that she had brought at the beginning of the school year, and some loose rope she had found. Putting two and two together, Neilson created what she refers to as “Seagull Manor,” on account of all of the seagulls she encounters due to living on the Pacific Ocean.

“UCSD is always saying how close we are to the beach, so the ocean seemed like the best option after I was kicked out of my last place,” Neilson said. “Samuel and I have been doing well for ourselves since we can actually catch the occasional fish.” Neilson claimed Samuel was a better fisher than her, but Samuel neither confirmed nor denied this comment, which led reporters to find that Samuel was not her roommate, but was actually her pet rock.

Following Neilson’s story, reporters investigated the apartment complex in which she used to live. The landlord, John Richards, was dismissive of any questions regarding her. “Rules are rules,” he told reporters. “So what if she needs to eat and go to school? I have to keep this place as pleasant and pristine as possible, not to mention the fact that I can’t run this place without rent money from my tenants.”

Reporters then turned to Neilson’s old roommate, Grace Foster, to see if any more could be learned. “Oh yeah, Savannah sucked,” Foster claimed. “She was always complaining about the rats and saying that the whole building could collapse, so I stopped covering her rent. Now I’ve got this whole place all to myself.”

Other residents explained that they had also been upset by Neilson’s complaints and that Samuel constantly kept them up at night, upset that he was able to stay despite the “no pets allowed” policy. As of this report, Neilson has stated that she is content with her landmass, though she lacks any hygiene products or places to store anything she owns. “I mean, hey, at least I’m getting my money’s worth from this school.” Neilson stated, petting Samuel. “Guess that engineering class wasn’t entirely useless.”

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