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New Study Finds 12 Percent of Millennials

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In her search, the researcher knew some millennials were behind her but as with most millennial-related issues, she, like everyone else, decided to look the other way.
Photo by: Barak Tzori

Top sociology researchers at Cornish College for the Arts in Seattle released a study earlier in the week finding approximately 12 percent of millennials in the greater Seattle area. Hailed as a breakthrough in the field, the study seeks to shed light on the historically elusive population, and aims to find another five percent by the end of next year.

“We here at Cornish are interested to see where millennials congregate, what they do with their free time, and why they haven’t used their literature degrees to buy a house yet,” said Michael Egeck, lead researcher of the study and Professor of Sociology with a focus on Evolutionary Specialization in App Curation at Cornish College.

Graduate research assistants tasked to find the millennials purchased Doc Martens and Wayfarers in order to blend in. They then scoured the streets of the greater Seattle area, shouting “Marco” inside populated businesses in an effort to attract the attention of their fellow youths.

Six percent of millennials were located in neighborhood Starbucks, yelling at patrons about corporate America’s dismantling of the middle class and attempting to teaching the baristas how to make “proper” sugar-free latte art. Another four percent were spotted buying gluten-free bread at PCC Natural Market, a local organic grocery store. And two percent were finally found browsing the 19th century American poetry section in paper-free independent bookstores.

Egeck offered his views on the groundbreaking findings.

“For the first time in history we have real, significant data on where millennials are. This opens the door to many more venues of ungrateful, youth-based research. Finally we can ask questions such as ‘What’s behind millennials?’, ‘What are the mating habits of millennials?,’ and ‘What the hell is an AnarchoHuffPoGMO think-piece?’”

“Like, not all of us can be pinned down and described by some oldie’s ideas of a generation,” said Laurie Shahon, a college sophomore not found by the study, while live DM’ing her interview. “Sure, I visit my friends’ Braille photo gallery from time to time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also like to do more baby boomer-typical things, like watch hockey games in the shadow of my parents’ disappointment.”

Marco Clinch, the first millennial found at Gas Works Park, gave his opinion on the study.

“You know, I didn’t ask to be found. Just like I didn’t ask for those goddamn participation trophies back in elementary school. You really have to stop holding that over me, Dad. I just wanted to write my novel on starting a vegan soap/edible business in peace. Now, after brainstorming countless adjectives that could be used to describe both soap and edibles, my Macbook’s dying and I haven’t found a Wifi signal strong enough to save my Google Doc.”

When asked why a larger portion of millennials were not found by the study, Egeck opined about their predisposition towards having a poor sense of morals and respect.

“We sat down with over 300 different grandmothers on Friday evening for a nice home cooked meal and guess what? Generation Y for Yuckies didn’t even show up to check how their bubbes were holding up.”

Research efforts are continuing in this field. Egeck and his team are currently vying for a two million dollar research grant, and other academic camps like his are popping up all over the country.

“Millennials are the future of the nation, but we won’t be able to properly tame and temper them until we get our hands on all of them. Only then can we get into phase two, and open up the factories- er, I mean, gain a realistic understanding of how a generation acts as a cohesive unit.”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Hannah Lykins is a fourth-year student at UCSD.

Alumnus, Editor-in-Chief 2016-17 at The MQ

Barak Tzori is an MQ Alum and was Editor-in-Chief for the 2016-17 school year.

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