News
First-Year Student Buys Surfboard, Definitely Ready for College Now
First-year Muir College student Billy Standall decided to purchase a surfboard approximately one-hour after moving-in, in an effort to “properly” prepare himself for his time as …
Local Father Completes IKEA Desk, Now a Furniture Crafting Celebrity
Local father and amateur Swede Joshua Nickelson completed “MICKE,” a black desk from IKEA, for his daughter’s college apartment last week. So impressed in his own …
“This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion
At a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion …
Area Student Decides Dying Is Better Than Making Phone Call
Area student Amanda Pemberley was found lying in her bed on September 16, lamenting her fate after refusing to call her doctor. According to her roommate, …
Local College Student Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It
Greg Alaffia, a local 20-something college student, is concerned about current geopolitical affairs, but has no real plans to do anything about it. Alaffia has been …
FDA Hits Monkey Poisoning Quota in Record Time
The FDA published a report online last week announcing that they have hit their monkey poisoning quota nearly three months ahead of schedule. The report, titled …
UCSD Begins Construction on RIMAC Field Parking Structure, Cites Lack of Parking Due to Construction
UCSD will break ground on the new RIMAC Parking Structure next week; a plan that is projected to add 3,000 parking spots, but will take away …
Area Student Buys Maximum Amount of Dining Dollars, Receives Fame and Glory
In an email sent out to students this past Friday, HDH announced that they were honoring Kay Cecil — an incoming Revelle student who was reportedly …
New Tech Startup “Pomme” on Track to Surpass Apple
There may soon be a different company named after a fruit controlling Silicon Valley. As the third quarter of 2018 begins to wind down, a new smartphone …
UCSD Professor Reluctant to Go Back to Class Because of “All Those Lame Freshies”
UCSD Mathematics Professor Ralph P. Olson recently expressed that he shares the “dread” of going back to school this fall with his students, mainly because of …
