November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


First-Year Student Buys Surfboard, Definitely Ready for College Now

Written by: Hannah Lykins

Pedestrians said that they wished Standall would use the surf lane.
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

First-year Muir College student Billy Standall decided to purchase a surfboard approximately one-hour after moving-in, in an effort to “properly” prepare himself for his time as a college student. “I’m just super excited about this! It’s my first time being on my own and I feel like I need to celebrate,” exclaimed Standall. “My parents told me to pack kind of light since I have two roommates and I thought they were right at first. But I’m an adult now, and there’s totally enough space to put a surfboard in here.”

After throwing his suitcases into his room and saying goodbye to his mom, Standall was seen searching “best surfboards for beginners” on his phone, while waiting for the 201 near Revelle College. He was not joined by his roommates, who said they had no interest in Standall “bringing his shit into their room.”

“You know he didn’t ask us about this, right?” Mark Naddaf, one of Standall’s roommates, asked. “Like we barely met this guy ten-minutes ago and now he’s out buying a goddamn surfboard. He just threw his shit on the ground and left; his mom’s still in our fucking room! I guess that’s what I get for meeting my roommates through the meme page.”

In response to Standall’s other roommate Cameron Ortega muttering “But why though” within earshot, Standall outlined his motivations: “I’ve never told anyone, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to surf. I know it’s a little unconventional, but I think that a surfboard is what’s gonna really set me apart from the other freshmen,” Standall explained. “I mean, the beach is literally a 20-minute walk from Tenaya, so I know I’ll have enough time to go down there at least once a week. That’s what everyone does here, right?”

“Literally no one at this school goes to the beach,” Kevin Swartz, a second-year student and one of Standall’s suitemates said. “First-years always think they’re going to have so much free-time, but in about a month, they’ll be just as tired and busy as the rest of us. Trust me: one of my roommates had a surfboard last year and I don’t think that jackass used it once after October or November.”

Standall’s decision was prompted during move-in, when he saw a group of students walking down North Torrey Pines with surfboards.

“Yeah, we didn’t buy our boards til our third year,” said Sean Merrin, one of the surfers. “I mean, even now, we only have time to go to the beach because classes haven’t started yet. Plus, do you honestly think we’d fit these boards into triples? That’s crazy, man; I really needed all my extra space for my mini-fridge and microwave. It’d be way too difficult to heat up my gyudon every night with something like this getting in the way.”

When asked about his purchase, Standall responded that he “had no idea how big surfboards really were,” but was confident that his eight-foot board would comfortably fit in his room.

“This just feels right to me, you know? I’m sure my roommates will be fine with it, though. I mean it’s not like they have a choice now. And I’m only taking 20 units this quarter, so I know I’ll have plenty of time to test this baby out.”

Managing Editor at The MQ

Hannah Lykins is a fourth-year student at UCSD.

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