Briefs
Area Scientists Baffled, Can’t Find Cure to Being Set on Fire
Student Zachary Collins recently reported that after spending copious amounts of time and money on his work, he has gotten nowhere in his search to find …
Victoria’s Secret’s Head of Photoshop Misses Stray Hair, Reported Missing
The Head of Photoshop at Victoria’s Secret, Kevin Lombard, has been reported missing. Coworkers report last seeing him leaving for a meeting with CEO Les Wexner …
Academy Introduces Silver and Rose Gold Statuettes
After facing enormous backlash from the public regarding the lack of diversity present at the recent Academy Awards ceremony, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and …
Mannequin Bites Dog
Chomp. Terror. Shrieks swell. Macy’s torn asunder. It must’ve been bad chemicals. The ground shows a leash, disconnected and undone. Headless and personified, its Calvin Klein …
Local Student Diagnosed as Legally Blind from Rolling Eyes Too Far Back
Paul Marshall, a Warren College senior, was diagnosed as blind Thursday at Scripps Hospital after his eyes rolled irreversibly far back into his skull. Marshall was …
Student Found In C.S. Dungeon After Week Long Disappearance
After being missing for a whole week, local computer science student Alan Bergeron was discovered in what computer science majors call the “CS Dungeon.” After searching …
Long Waitlists Cause Spike in Assassinations
A report released by the UCSD Police Department linked a “dramatic rise” in student assassinations to long class waitlists. The report was released three weeks after …
Archaeologists Discover Mysterious “Literature” Building Near Warren Lecture Hall
Archeologists reported that they have made an important discovery in UCSD’s Warren College: an ancient building they claim was used to study “Literature.” The term refers …
Ted Cruz Rebrands as TritonEd Cruz
Citing a need to “appear more friendly” and avoid “legacy issues,” Ted Cruz announced his legal name change to TritonEd Cruz days before the Iowa Caucus. …
UCSD Renames Website, Fixes Problem Apparently
UCSD continued its transition from using popular Blackboard clone TED to TritonEd, solving a problem which officials insist “once existed and now does not.” The transition, …
