Briefs
Area Man Loudly Announces He Will Spend Summer Vacation on Venus
Last Tuesday, without any prompting, local student Chad Richardson loudly announced that he was going to go somewhere “new and exotic” over the summer break. Richardson …
Upcoming 2018 Blue Wave Turns Out to Be a Tsunami
After extensively studying the recent voting trends, political scientists and climate scientists have concluded that the imminent “Blue Wave” in the upcoming elections is in fact …
Metal Bands Rush to Site of Fire in Hopes of “Bitchin’ Photoshoot”
Tens of black-grunge and grind-crust metal bands flocked to the site of last week’s deadly Santee fire in hopes of capturing some “brutal” album covers. The …
Local Woman Saves Trash for Art Project She Will Use “Later”
Local woman Sarah Plehra was spotted Saturday picking up some trash. She claims she is “going to be able to use it in an art project.” …
Busy Student Forced to Schedule Mental Breakdowns
After crying for five hours straight, ERC student Josie Lilian made the life-changing decision to add mental breakdowns to her already busy schedule. “As a student …
Bottomless Pit Found Not to Be Bottomless
A small pebble was tossed into a large, seemingly bottomless pit early last week by third grade student Darius Macondo. The pebble has reportedly not yet …
Research Shows Your Childhood Bullies Were Right
New research released by the Psychological and Brain Science department at SDSU has revealed that your childhood bullies were right. The study conducted by Alex Bullebak …
New Charity Delivers Medical Benefits of Marijuana to Prison Inmates
With recreational marijuana now legal in California, benefactors are looking for ways to deliver its benefits to a wider audience. A group of college students have …
Local UCSD Student Finally learns Roommate’s Name
Second year UCSD student Neil Caiman told reporters he recently noticed a fourth apartment-mate living with him that he had not accounted for just last night. …
Pluto the Pup Takes Siege of Disney, Establishes a Plutocracy
Pluto the Pup, the Disney character owned by Mickey Mouse, told reporters yesterday that he has decided to incite a coup in order to become the …
