Briefs
Jason from Third Floor to Be Your Best Friend for Life
Analysts predict that Jason Mathis from the third floor, who you met coming into your dorm on move-in day, will be your best friend through your …
Bounty Hunter to Choose Between Love for money, Target
Local bounty hunter Leland Chappy set out to arrest Areana Slony to obtain a 45,000 dollar commission but unexpectedly found himself conflicted over his newfound love …
UCSD Graduate Eager to Feel Overqualified In Retail
After four years, graduate Taylor Urke is excited to follow the logical conclusion of their decisions and enter the job market as an hourly retail worker. …
NFL Players to Undergo Pre-Draft Jiggle Test
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has proposed new protocols for drafting players. According to new regulations, NFL prospects will be tested on their skin’s ability to “jiggle …
Local Band Pretty Sure Minute 11 of The Solo Is When It Gets Really Good
Local band Flandering Ferret took the stage at Panderer’s Pub in Midtown at 7:30 p.m. on Wednesday, performing their instrumental single “Cherry Pickers.” The San Diego-based …
Woman Late to Give Mother’s Day Gift to Mother She Murdered
Area woman Shane Daniels realized yesterday that she had failed to purchase and give a thoughtful Mother’s Day gift to her mother, whose body she left …
Area Man Thinks Google Maps Has Got it All Wrong
San Diego public defender Richard Mallard, who was utterly convinced his Google Maps app gave him incorrect instructions, recently took a series of wrong turns that …
Man Successfully Blames Fart on Whoever Smelt it
Last Thursday, local James Fernow managed to do what was once deemed “impossible” by top scientists. After releasing a behemoth 12 second silent fart, Fernow successfully …
Police Brutality Talks Derailed by Fanatic Patriots
Police brutality activist Jasmine Porcin held a press conference Friday on the rise of police brutality reports filed towards the San Diego Police Department. Porcin discussed …
Satire Paper “Good For a Chuckle Occasionally”
In an unofficial poll, a local student satire paper was deemed “Most Useful for a ‘Chuckle’ from Time to Time,” after a neck-and-neck race against the …
