Briefs
UCSD Freshman Pushed Off Campus, Finds Housing With Scary Old Witch in Candy House
UCSD freshman Hammond Angretal has reportedly found off-campus housing for the 2018-19 school year with a scary, old witch who lives in a gingerbread house in …
Self-Respecting Metalhead Found Listening to Pop in His Bedroom
Local metal enthusiast Solomon Parker was found by his roommates in his bedroom last night, on his bed listening to Ariana Grande’s latest album. Solomon is …
Review: Eminem’s New Restaurant Misses Its Chance to Blow
After a long period of secrecy, Marshall Mathers, commonly known as Eminem, announced the opening of his new Italian restaurant,Mom’s Spaghetti. When I learned of Mom’s …
Area Student Will Be Grounded If He Doesn’t Clean His Room Right Now
Area student Hayden Collins has had a messy room for one week too many. If he doesn’t pick up all the dirty clothes and empty chip …
Your Happy Place Destroyed in Hurricane, Insomnia Sweeping America
The imaginations of Americans everywhere have been impacted by Hurricane Destinee, a ravaging natural disaster that destroyed the Happy Place that helped millions fall asleep or …
UC System Announces Indentured Servitude as a Payment Option
Following an annual meeting of the UC Regents, a representative announced that the UC system will expand its payment options in response to increasingly harsh economic …
Congress Decides to Take More Funds Away from the EPA
Congress has decided to pull back even more funding from the Environmental Protection Agency during its last meeting. Congressman Devin Nunes, a rigid and active climate-denier, …
Hobby Lobby Makes Lobbying its Hobby
The Oklahoma City headquarters of prominent evangelical arts and crafts corporation Hobby Lobby has ordered a surprising course change in the company’s direction, with the company …
Headlines Found To Be Most Frequently Read Part of Article
In a surprising study, researchers have concluded that the most read part of news articles, regardless of their content, are headlines. The study also found that graphics …
Study Finds Josh
Area middle-aged slacker and unreliable reporter Josh finally decided to show his face again late Monday afternoon after missing a whole three weeks of work and …
