Briefs
Mob Boss Expecting You in His Office, “Worried Sick”
New reports state that Ben “Big Bear” Barenstork, head of one of two major local mobs, is still awaiting your presence in his office by midnight, …
Lassie Unable to Warn Timmy About 2008 Financial Crisis
In 2008, Timmy Martin from the long-running television series “Lassie,” was about to buy mortgage-backed securities to improve his financial portfolio. Lassie, seeing the shady practices …
Area Vat Not Sure Why There’s a Brain in It
A large, dark vat awoke early last Friday to find an unsettling feeling in its center. It soon realized that the discomfort was caused by a …
NBC realizes Human Trafficking “Not As Funny As Expected”
In a statement issued after the cancellation of the planned comedy show Mail Order Family, NBC expressed regrets that “sadly human trafficking is a concept that …
Oxford Comma Sues UCSD for Lack of Use, Malpractice and Negligence
In a release, the Oxford Comma claims that UCSD’s negligence has led to grievous errors over the past five years. In addition, UCSD is accused of …
Congressional Bill, Known as “Zeno’s Bill,” First Has to Get Half its Votes
“Zeno’s bill,” introduced by New Hampshire Senator Jeanne Shaheen, is having a hard time getting traction in Congress. The legislation that intends to give tortoises a …
Incoming Freshman Ready for First Day of Existential Crisis
Freshman Rachel Torres has been excited all summer for school to start and for her first real ground-shattering existential crisis at UCSD. “I’ve just been so …
Area Man Realizes after Four Hours That He’s Not in the Turn Lane
Tim Douglas, 47, ruined his family dinner last Sunday after he accidentally pulled in behind a parked car instead of getting into the right turn lane …
Classmate Boldly Repeats Professor
The podcast for the COGS 101A class from September 23rd caught flack earlier this week for wasting students’ time by having an apparent glitch which caused …
Area Brain Found in Vat
The lid of a dark vat was surprisingly lifted for the first time early last Friday, to reveal an apparent passageway into an unknown space of …
