Briefs
Walmart to Offer Customers 50 Percent Off During an Active Shooting
After facing stagnating sale numbers during active shootings, Walmart has started a new policy that offers customers a 50 percent discount during any in-store shooting. This …
Area Teen upset After being forced to place Presents at Midnight
Local high school student Sam Mower was asked by his parents to place presents for his sibling underneath the tree at midnight on Christmas Day. Mower …
Area Student Surprised They Failed a Class They Never Attended
Last Sunday, area student Levi Schreiber voiced her surprise after going on to TritonEd and seeing that her grade was a 62 percent. “It’s incredible!” Levi …
Area Bus Driver Who Drove Away From Stop Definitely Saw Student Running to Catch Up
Commuter student Ralph Payne was left desolate when they purportedly saw the bus driver in the mirror giving them ‘the bird,’ as they ran to catch …
Local Trash Receptacle Feels Like Absolute Garbage
After getting dumped on Monday, a local trash receptacle reports “feeling like absolute garbage.” “I’ve been carrying a lot of baggage,” the receptacle told reporters, “I …
Local Badass Refuses to Admit He’s Cold
Upon stepping outside into the 59-degree weather, infamous daredevil and renegade Francis Yates proclaimed that he wasn’t even chilly, even when just wearing shorts and a …
UCSD Giraffe Catchers Catch First Giraffe
The giraffe catchers installed in the Eucalyptus Forest unleashed mayhem last week when they caught their first giraffe. Giraffe catchers were installed in 1967 and held …
New Bed and Breakfast “Stay-cy’s Mom” Has Got It Goin’ On
After many months of waiting, I couldn’t be more excited to announce the grand opening of the prestigious new bed and breakfast, “Stay-cy’s Mom.” Run by …
UCSD Now Practicing Communism in Fall Y’all Queue
Incoming students attended their first collective assembly on campus at the RIMAC field for the Fall Y’all music festival on September 23. Students reported that aside …
Local Grandmother Struggles to Give Away the Most Food
San Diego Grandmother Ruth Klein reported difficulty upholding her usual habit of giving plenty of food to the neighborhood youth as trick-or-treaters roamed the neighborhood this …
