Briefs

Briefs

Sunshine Market to shut Down the Day After Target Opens

Written by: Jay Noonan

Sunshine Market recently announced that they will be permanently closing down operations in Price Center. In wake of the new Target moving in, the small market …

Briefs

Dr Pepper Sued for Medical Malpractice

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Jacob Rolloph, 27, died this week after a heart attack resulting from inappropriate medical treatment given by Dr Pepper. After the incident, Rolloph’s family discovered that …

Briefs

Satan Comes to Reclaim Belichick After Unsurprising Super Bowl Win

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Last Sunday night, the New England Patriots claimed victory in Super Bowl 53 over the Los Angeles Rams by the score of 13-03, marking their 6th …

Briefs

“Save Me From The Dark” Alarm Clock Fails to Wake Users Up Inside

Written by: Hannah Lykins

There’s nothing more difficult in my adult life than getting up in the morning. Every day, I wake up feeling like I’ve been sleeping for a …

Briefs

Professor Bans Phones to Prevent Students From Watching Sex Tape

Written by: Ethan Coston

UCSD professor Hartman Brody banned phones in his classroom out of fear that his students were watching his sex tape. Brody was reportedly having an affair …

Briefs

Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America With news of the entire city of Wuhan being quarantined, fears of a global outbreak of Novel Coronavirus has been expressed …

Briefs

UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction

Written by: Summer Davis

In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this …

Briefs

Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers

Written by: Hannah Lykins

e been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would …

Briefs

Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party

Written by: MQ Trophy Husband

Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption …

Briefs

NEW TREND SEES PRO-RIGHT THROWING AWAY LEFT TWIX

Written by: Jack Yang

Francis Peterson, a political commentator and blogger, is the source of a new nationwide trend that has pro-right activists boycotting Mars’ well-known candy bar, Twix. “At …