Briefs
Sunshine Market to shut Down the Day After Target Opens
Sunshine Market recently announced that they will be permanently closing down operations in Price Center. In wake of the new Target moving in, the small market …
Dr Pepper Sued for Medical Malpractice
Jacob Rolloph, 27, died this week after a heart attack resulting from inappropriate medical treatment given by Dr Pepper. After the incident, Rolloph’s family discovered that …
Satan Comes to Reclaim Belichick After Unsurprising Super Bowl Win
Last Sunday night, the New England Patriots claimed victory in Super Bowl 53 over the Los Angeles Rams by the score of 13-03, marking their 6th …
“Save Me From The Dark” Alarm Clock Fails to Wake Users Up Inside
There’s nothing more difficult in my adult life than getting up in the morning. Every day, I wake up feeling like I’ve been sleeping for a …
Professor Bans Phones to Prevent Students From Watching Sex Tape
UCSD professor Hartman Brody banned phones in his classroom out of fear that his students were watching his sex tape. Brody was reportedly having an affair …
Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America
Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America With news of the entire city of Wuhan being quarantined, fears of a global outbreak of Novel Coronavirus has been expressed …
UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction
In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this …
Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers
e been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would …
Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party
Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption …
NEW TREND SEES PRO-RIGHT THROWING AWAY LEFT TWIX
Francis Peterson, a political commentator and blogger, is the source of a new nationwide trend that has pro-right activists boycotting Mars’ well-known candy bar, Twix. “At …


