UCSD professor Hartman Brody banned phones in his classroom out of fear that his students were watching his sex tape. Brody was reportedly having an affair with another professor on campus, and they recently made a sex tape in a lecture hall.

“I know most people think I ban phones in my lecture because I want students to be immersed in every word I say,” said Brody. “But in reality, I’m just scared they’ll look up my sex tape while they’re in class. I mean, that’s what happens in the movies, right?”

However, students aren’t convinced. “Professor Brody is just a bad lecturer. It hurts his ego to see students on their phones because he’s an attention-seeker, so he wants us to die from boredom instead,” said one student. “Honestly, I’ve never been in a lecture that’s this boring.”

“I’ve seen the tape,” the student continued, “It’s honestly the most vanilla sex tape I’ve ever seen. It’s really not worth watching.”