Briefs
a paper straw that works
Ashley Madeline Via Twitter Today, we see lots of effort put into saving the environment and the species that really need our help. However, in today’s …
Helicopter Mother Leaves 72-Hour Voicemail to Ungrateful Son
Local mother Khadija Abboud reportedly left a 72-hour voicemail to her “darling son, Arman.” The recording starting on Thursday and ending the following Sunday. Khadija Abboud …
Local Student Sleeps for Three Days Straight, Still Tired
Local Muir student Morpheus Kent is reportedly “still sleepy af” after sleeping for three days. Kent has agreed to break his nap times into 20 minute …
Area Student Excited for New ‘Game of Thrones’ Season, “Definitely Not For the Nudity”
Area frat boy Ramin Djawak expressed his excitement for the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones” by throwing a party at Blacks Beach on the night …
Investigations Show McDonald’s Worker Set Meetings With Trump
Washington DC resident and McDonald’s employee Francis Rex was brought under charges of embezzlement. Rex faces charges for participating in a secret side-business bringing corporate lobbyists …
LaCroix CEO Decides to Add Actual Flavor to Product
National Beverage Corporation, producer of “vaguely fruit-flavored” LaCroix seltzer water, faces new challenges following the release of a report last Thursday revealing a 39 percent drop …
Leprechaun’s “Pot of gold” discovered to be new strain of weed
A group of leprechaun hunters recently stumbled upon a new strain of marijuana while attempting to find a pot of gold at the end of a …
New Hotel “The Last Resort” Disappoints
Dear faithful readers, nothing’s alright. Nothing is fine. I can’t go on living this way. This last weekend has really tested me. Downward spiral. Where do …
Roger Stone Nominates Tumor With Nixon Tattoo for 2020 Election
Roger Stone has sparked outrage amongst the American public after revealing that his tattoo of Richard Nixon had budded off into a small humanoid creature bearing …
Kansas Lifts Up, Flies Away, Only One Person Notices
The entire state of Kansas has lifted up into the atmosphere and has flown directly into the sun. Sam Workmon, a Colorado resident, claims that on …
