Briefs
Local Student Yells Into Echo Chamber, Feels Better About Future of America
Local student Garry Vikati was concerned about the future of America, until he was finally able to yell into an echo chamber this past week. Vikati …
Conservatives Boycott Snow White Due to “Seven Sinful Dwarves”
Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged …
Grandmother Unaware Phones Work Both Ways
Eliza Barker, matriarch of the Barker multimedia conglomerate, caused “family drama” last week when she off-handedly mentioned at a reunion dinner that her 22-year-old granddaughter Tiffany …
Browns Receive Second Round Pick in Trade, Also Q.B. Brock Osweiler
A spokesperson for the Cleveland Browns announced last week that the team’s management is ecstatic that they’ve received a second-round pick in a trade with the …
Frank Sinatra to Be Posthumously Flown to the Moon
In a discussion of moon travel at a local comic convention, television scientists were asked multiple times: “Why the hell hasn’t Frank Sinatra been flown to …
Student is “Interested” in Protest Event, Has Done Her Civic Duty
UCSD student Kelly Baker has been praised by peers for marking that she is “Interested” in over five protest event pages on Facebook, thereby doing her …
Sony Pictures Greenlights Film with No Concept, Nor Anyone Attached
Sony Pictures has announced their newest “sure to be an Oscar-sweeping blockbuster hit,” to be released late 2017, titled “TBD” and to be directed by “Un …
Pro-Trump Starbucks Boycotter Goes on A Yerba Mate Run
University of North Carolina student Derek Davis found himself without a sustainable source of caffeine to continue his “downvoting” after declaring a boycott against Starbucks. In …
Tree Asked for Political Beliefs, Doesn’t Answer, Is a Tree
A local 30-year-old spruce tree going by the name “NO TRESPASSING, PRIVATE RESIDENCE” was found loitering in a San Diego suburb late Thursday night. When asked …
Numbers Outlawed by Executive Order
An executive order was signed into law last Thursday officially outlawing the use of numbers in all written and verbal circumstances. The order came after extensive …
