National Beverage Corporation, producer of “vaguely fruit-flavored” LaCroix seltzer water, faces new challenges following the release of a report last Thursday revealing a 39 percent drop in sales. CEO Nick Caporella feels prepared to update the seltzer taste to something that resembles a flavor, rather than what consumers call “uncomfortably carbonated bath water.”
“I just don’t understand why people would stop buying our product,” said Caporella in a statement released earlier this week, “but I’m committed to regaining our base of lonely moms and 20-year-olds who think they’re better than you.” Caporella plans to implement “drastic changes” in how flavors are added to their drinks. Instead of the previous method of blowing fruit-flavored vapors into a big pot of Pellegrino and then re-canning the water, LaCroix will now burn tropical-extract essential oils in the same room where they store the seltzer. “Our company hopes this change will convince consumers that our drink is still worth burping for.”
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.