Written by: Matthew Miltimore

National Beverage Corporation, producer of “vaguely fruit-flavored” LaCroix seltzer water, faces new challenges following the release of a report last Thursday revealing a 39 percent drop in sales. CEO Nick Caporella feels prepared to update the seltzer taste to something that resembles a flavor, rather than what consumers call “uncomfortably carbonated bath water.”

“I just don’t understand why people would stop buying our product,” said Caporella in a statement released earlier this week, “but I’m committed to regaining our base of lonely moms and 20-year-olds who think they’re better than you.” Caporella plans to implement “drastic changes” in how flavors are added to their drinks. Instead of the previous method of blowing fruit-flavored vapors into a big pot of Pellegrino and then re-canning the water, LaCroix will now burn tropical-extract essential oils in the same room where they store the seltzer. “Our company hopes this change will convince consumers that our drink is still worth burping for.”

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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