Briefs
Protagonist is “Nothing but Dust in the Wind”
Area final boss Ersatzy, Crown of the Void’s Teeth, was heard proclaiming that local protagonist Avery Puck was “like him, nothing but dust in the wind, …
UCSD Hypnotist Discovered to Incorporate Threats in Act
To commemorate Muir College’s 50th anniversary, Chuck Milligan, a security guard-turned hypnotist, was brought to entertain first year students. This seemingly well-intentioned rousing of limp students …
Chip-On-Your-Shoulder Recently Promoted to Time- To-Freak-The- Fuck-Out-Alarm
An up-and-coming Chip On Your Shoulder has been slowly but surely building up its confidence to become more than a minor nag. After successfully spreading its …
Area Student Finally “gets” Own Sense of Humor, “Hahaha”
Local student Kevin Chu realized, moments before graduation, that he had achieved his four-year goal of comprehending his own sense of humor. “Hahhahahahaaha,” laughed Chu to …
Senior Continues Tradition of Missing Deadlines
Fourth year Gabriel Evans has extended his stay at UCSD by one quarter and enrolled in classes for Fall 2017 as a result of missing his …
Local Frat Has Tear-Filled Final Butt-Chugging Contest of the Year
Local frat Phi Chi Psi’s final butt-chugging contest of the year was filled with heartfelt moments and meaningful speeches that attempted to capture the scary nature …
Student Writes 220-Word Paper in 30 Minutes
Okay, good stuff, gonna get this paper done, it will be great. First things first, music. Oh man, I have not listened to Coldplay in a …
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish” Shirt Too Barf Ridden To Be Considered Green
O’Drunkagain’s Pub in South Boston has reportedly refused service to longtime patron Sam Kennedy this St. Patrick’s Day, stating his “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt could …
Man Discovers Other Religions “Not Just Different Forms of Catholicism”
Area man Jeff Matalazano recently discovered in a “light conversation about anti-Semitism,” that most other religions are not “just Catholicism without Jesus in some parts.” “I’m …
Up and Coming Indie Artist to Release Anthology of Hits as First Album
Indie pop duo “Jen and Eric” is slated to self-release their first record next week, titled “Greatest Hits Vol. 1,” a compilation of their most popular …
