Written by: Sage Cristal

Study Finds Microwave in Break Room Dripping in Chili

Early this morning the communal microwave in the Scripps Medical Laboratory break room was found to be dripping in chili following its use by an unknown employee. The chili was discovered by a lab technician who declared the mess to be a workplace hazard, and subsequently enlisted the help of fellow researchers to find the individual who microwaved uncovered chili.

Several scientists signed on to aid the search and offered their talents to track down the mess-maker so the culprit could clean the chili remnants. One forensic analyst, Jacob Lynt, told reporters: “I took a few swabs of the microwave’s keypad and tried to pull some fingerprints from the handle of said microwave.” When asked if he thought it would be easier to just clean up the chili himself, Lynt said, “It’s not about ease. This is about justice.”

Since the discovery of the chili, the break room has been sectioned off for further research. Many data analysts cannot agree on the identity of the person who created the mess in the microwave. However, nine out of 10 scientists agree with the conclusion that it’s fucking gross.

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Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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