Sigma Chi Throws Party on Sinking Ship
Despite an inspection that revealed that the hull is rapidly filling with water, the Iota Chi chapter of Sigma Chi at UCSD has continued to throw parties on a beta theta alpha tau, their boat docked in Mission Bay.
The sinking vessel started to become a concern after several women reported nearly drowning at Sigma Chi boat parties. When asked about these allegations, Sigma Chi President Kyle Smith claimed “If they didn’t want to drown then they shouldn’t have worn nonbuoyant clothing.”
Some Sigma Chi brothers reportedly deny that the water is even there at all. “It’s not even water, bro,” said Sigma Chi member Garret Stensien while knee-deep in ocean water. “Yeah, sure it looks like water, and acts like water, but everybody nowadays is trying to label everything water. You’re going to ruin the reputation of the boat, dude.”
Though Sigma Chi remains passive, the Interfraternity Council has made statements addressing the issue. Brian Reese, an IFC member, said, “This is a serious issue, and we want to do everything we can to make it look like we’re taking this seriously.” Reese has reportedly contacted Sigma Chi and instructed them to put duct tape over the hull damage.
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.