UCSD Happy With Giving Day, Will Implement UCSD Taking Day

After declaring the first annual UCSD Giving Day a success, administrators are implementing a new event called UCSD Taking Day. The heads of the event stated in an email: “Since you idiots actually bought into giving us more of your money when we charge you astronomical prices just to go here, we are sure you will have no problem when we come into your dorms by force and lift some of your most precious items.”

According to the board, those who didn’t donate will be targeted first. A new policy written for UCSD Taking Day states: “We are committed to a non-violent removal of items. That is why as a safety measure each dorm will be detained and fingerprinted, under the watch of a SWAT K-9 Unit. There will be no resistance.”

Jacy Esteves, leader of U-Resistance, declared: “They’ve sent three CSOs and a RA after us. Luckily, not a single authority has been able to figure out getting around us throwing a table down the stairs as they walk up it. This skirmish hasn’t been a flawless success though, they’ve taken my roommate’s arm when she couldn’t cough up enough cash from her wallet.”