Dr Pepper Sued for Medical Malpractice


Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Jacob Rolloph, 27, died this week after a heart attack resulting from inappropriate medical treatment given by Dr Pepper. After the incident, Rolloph’s family discovered that Dr Pepper had no actual medical qualifications and subsequently announced that they would be suing them for medical malpractice. “It cost us Jake’s life,” said his mother, Patricia Rolloph. “I’m suing them because they are directly responsible for the death of my son. When we started panicking, someone asked if there was a doctor around and they popped up to volunteer. But then they just stood there looking bubbly as they watched my son collapse to the floor. I can’t believe how cold-hearted that phony doctor was.”

Though claiming to have been in practice since 1885, Dr Pepper was found to have no degree and no medical experience. In addition, it was revealed that Dr Pepper was drunk prior to the incident. Pepper’s lawyer has conceded that the lawsuit poses a “sticky situation” for them, but the result is yet to be decided.

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

One Reply to “Dr Pepper Sued for Medical Malpractice”

  1. drssuck says:

    Was this dr. david pepper? trying to figure out if this is the same sack of you know what.

    Sorry for your loss.

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