After extensively studying the recent voting trends, political scientists and climate scientists have concluded that the imminent “Blue Wave” in the upcoming elections is in fact a 100-foot-tall tsunami. This tsunami is projected to strike the Eastern Seaboard on Nov. 5, one day before the voting booths open, and obliterate the region as far inland as Tennessee. Experts interpret this uncanny timing of the wave as an “act of mercy” from God, sparing the country from the fallout of yet another tumultuous election result.
Residents of the affected states are noticeably agitated about this upcoming wave changing their way of life, with residents of the Northeast upset about “losing the ability to be snooty assholes to the rest of America,” and residents of the South expressing concern about “losing the culture war” with the rest of the country.
FEMA has urged residents on the east to relocate for their own safety. Polls show, however, that majorities on both halves of the East Coast refuse to move west and would rather drown than be associated with “lazy, self-conceited, hippy Californians.” Political pundits hope that this common ground will lead the few projected survivors to finally understand the importance of compromise in politics.