After crying for five hours straight, ERC student Josie Lilian made the life-changing decision to add mental breakdowns to her already busy schedule. “As a student who’s taking 20 units and is involved in four clubs, I need to be on my A-game every day,” Lillian stated proudly. “But all that stress really takes a toll on me from time to time, so I find that I’m in-between complete apathy most days and crippling depression the next. Sometimes, it’ll even alternate from hour to hour! Those days are fun,” Lillian added with a thousand-yard stare.

Following Lilian’s seemingly improved mood, other students have started to follow suit. “Honestly, after scheduling time to punch my pillow and scream in agony, I feel like my life is together,” said Jack Morset, a second-year Muir student. “I mean, I know that it’s not, but it feels like it is, you know? Right? Please tell me I’m right. Tell me I’m doing something right in my life for once.”

Since implementing her new strategy, Lillian has disavowed CAPS and a healthy lifestyle entirely. “Who needs sleep? Anything’s possible when you don’t give a shit!” Lilian shouted with bloodshot eyes and a laugh that struck fear into onlookers.