Briefs
Local Man Concerned About Politics, Does Nothing About It
In light of recent national debates for and against gun control, as well as proposed changes to education in America, California resident Harrison Argant contacted reporters …
Democrats Denounce Trump, Call for Preferred Authoritarian Leader
Congressional Democrats celebrated this month after two major political achievements in January. They succeeded in passing a bipartisan bill which will maintain the Bush-era practice of …
Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t
Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane …
Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty …
Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA
President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …
Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name
A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily …
Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll
At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to …
New L’oreal Commercial Faces Backlash for Lack of Sex Appeal
Recently, L’Oreal released its new advertisement, attempting to sell the L’Oreal Active Bonding Mango Scent Anti-Dandruff Maximum Overdrive Hair and Body Wash and Moisturizer. Breaking formula, …
Dining Dollars Replaced with Barter System in Light of “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp” Popularity
The new mobile game “Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp,” a game focused on altruism and generosity through the exchange of various fruit, fish, and bugs with “crafting” …
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth …
