Articles
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Dating My Campus Crush Went Wrong?
It all started the first week of school when I went to a “First-Years in Seventh from the Northeast Part of Akron, Ohio” mixer. I saw …
Geekvape Launches Pacifiers
“I am ripping phat cloudz off this cart. JUULius Caesar is almost empty,” said preschooler Little Jimmy.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Geekvape, a leading manufacturer of electronic …
UCSD Acquires Trolley for Student Housing
“Next station: Blue Line Hall,” stated the trolley intercom. “La siguiente estación: Blue Line Hall. Blue Line Hall is next.”Photo by Amit Roth A recently declassified …
I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You vs. I’ve Already Found Love but You Just Can’t Meet Her Cuz She Lives in Canada
POINT: I’ll Never Find Love and Neither Will You At the ripe old age of 20, I’ve lived, I’ve laughed… so when will I find love?! …
‘Hot Debate’ Engulfs National Collegiate Curling Scene
“They’re just too hot,” said Vegen. “We don’t stand a chance!”Photo by Destiny Friday Following their meteoric rise to become NCAA champions, the UC San Diego …
Student Spends ‘Lost Week’ Resting
“I winter broke, but I didn’t winter heal,” said Slaque.Photo by Janice Kim Following a Fall quarter in which they took 22 units and worked part-time, …
Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of …
SSA Declares Nobody Disabled
Instead of sending rejection letters, the OSD has reportedly begun sending out notices recommending that applicants “try putting Vicks on it.”Photo by Amit Roth The Social …
Santa’s Reindeer Hunted as Trophies, Christmas Cancelled
“Rudolph tasted real good,” said successful bidder Maddysyn Merry.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Kristopher Nicholas Kringle Claus, or “Santa Claus,” as he is more commonly known, has …
