Articles
Masc Lesbian Faces Backlash for Outfit Choices
Local lesbian Alexander showed up to Eighth College orientation wearing a “green Weezer shirt, yellow khakis, and a fluorescent pink fanny pack” to the horror of …
BREAKING: Anonymous Does Nothing Again
Last July, Anonymous, a self-identified group of decentralized “hacktivists,” posted a video on all social media platforms condemning the “dirty, rotten, gross, even” state of the …
Department of War to Honor UCSD with Naval Base
“Yar har, me class-mateys,” said one self-proclaimed “First Matey.”Photo by Destiney Friday After years of loyalty to the United States Department of War, President Trump has …
America Balkanizes
Wyoming reportedly did not notice.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After a typo in a Supreme Court decision annulled the entirety of the U.S. Constitution last week, the …
Price Center to Open Long-Awaited Sperm Bank
“The future is coming,” said lead designer Elliot D’Amore.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Last week, UC San Diego announced the opening of the Triton Seed Vault — …
UCSD Introduces ‘Low-Speed, No-Rail’ System
“I have yet to see a villain tie someone to the road,” one student commented.Photo by Amit Roth Amid a flurry of UC-wide budget cuts, UC …
UCSD Announces Hunger Games for Remaining Parking Spot
“Wait, you guys are in it for the parking spot?”, said one competitor.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Amid Trump’s recent attack on public university budgets, UC San …
Trump Imposes Tariffs on International Students
“This term is going to be tariff-ic!” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow In the wake of enacting tariffs on goods ranging from aluminum to foreign movies, …
Local Feminist Group Declares Female Form ‘Yucky’
“Let’s show them what we’re made of!” said one counterprotester.Photo by Erica Rosslee On the third day of last month’s California Women’s Convention, self-proclaimed “feminist activist” …
UCSD Fertility Dorms to Combat Falling Population Rates
Anonymous sources report that Genesis 38 will soon be added to UCSD’s Principles of Community.Photo by Erica Rosslee In a bold move that university officials are …
