Articles
Jack ‘O Lantern to Retire, Replaced by Daughter Jill
“Save the snowflakes for Christmas,” said Dick Johnson.Photo by Amit Roth After 50 years of service, Jackson O’Hannigan Lanternson — or Jack ‘O Lantern, as he …
Local Chimps Protest After Jane Goodall’s Passing
“It’s a battle between apes and pigs,” said one bystander.Photo by Chaveli Diaz The Trump administration has recently cut $8 billion from climate-related projects in 16 …
UCSD Offers Baphomet Muscle Machine
“No pain, no Faustian gain!” said Aryn Gonzaga.Photo by Amit Roth Following a recent study revealing 64% of adults aged 18–24 are looking for easier ways …
Facebook’s Metaverse Ported to the Collective Unconscious
“I tried to watch ‘The Social Network’ last week, and they deleted my occipital lobe,” said one user.Photo by Amit Roth Meta’s Metaverse, formerly known as …
Taylor Swift ‘Begs’ Fans to Ignore Lyrics
“Why can’t people just separate the speech from the speaker?” said Taylor Swift.Photo by The MQ Despite being considered one of the “least anticipated” releases of …
HHS Announces Return to Humorism
“Bloodletting?” read one Xeet. “More like blood mandatory.”Photo by Amit Roth Last Monday, Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced in …
Billboards in Silicon Valley ‘Go Rogue’
“Is this like a weird porn thing?” asked one concerned driver.Photo by Amit Roth The high-tech industry, quartered in California’s Silicon Valley, continues to apply AI …
Philadelphia Mothers Find Out California Pretty Big, Actually
“I heard California’s sinking into the ocean. That’s not good,” said one concerned mother. Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to a recent press release, the newly …
UCSD Introduces New Remote College
“How do I apply to be an RA for Ninth College?” asked one freak.Photo by Amit Roth and Cole Johnson Chancellor Pradeep Khosla unveiled plans for …
San Diego Police Department Unveils New Crime Stopping Technology
“Scan it! Ssshhhh. Zap it! Zzzz. Detain it! Clank,” said one BOP IT. Photo by Amit Roth In a press conference this past Friday, SDPD Chief …
