“I heard California’s sinking into the ocean. That’s not good,” said one concerned mother.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
According to a recent press release, the newly formed Women Having Environmental Reservations on Everything? (WHERE?) coalition plans to unite Philadelphian mothers of UC San Diego students in community. The group convened in Sacramento, New Mexico last week to discuss pressing matters affecting their children.
“I began this federation to unite strong women from my home — Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — to ensure the safety of our teens and young adults,” said WHERE? founder Jennifer Montecristo. “When I heard that they found the Black Plague resurfacing in South Lake Tahoe, which is famously a city in California, I immediately called my daughter who lives in San Diego, which is famously another city in California, to ask if she was okay.
“That bitch picked up the phone and laughed,” Montecristo continued. “How was I supposed to know that California was pretty big, actually? Listen: if the Plague was found in Pittsburgh, I’d want to know.”
Montecristo reportedly met her WHERE? co-founder, or “WHERE? Chair,” Beverly Hughes, while rallying in support of book burning in suburban Pennsylvania. “We got to talking because she, too, believes that the only books that should be taught in schools are the Holy Bible and Trump: Think Like a Billionaire: Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life,” Hughes said. “I was thrilled to meet another woman with the same fervor for concerning herself with causes she believes in.”
Since their founding in 2023, WHERE? has grown to a “whopping” eight members, and expanded efforts towards protesting against other pressing inter-state issues, including the LA wildfires and recent Bay Area tsunami warning.
“I sent my son N-95 masks in the mail last month, and he sent them back!” said WHERE? member Anita Atlas. “Why can’t he just take my very pertinent Californian concerns seriously for once? You never know how things can spread. The Plague is, like, contagious.”
Some children of WHERE? members have voiced confusion over their mothers’ “overbearing and geographically-challenged diatribes.”
UCSD student Chestnut Hughes, son of WHERE? Chair Beverly Hughes, posted on Instagram last week about his maternal struggles. “My mom was on my ass about ‘surfing during a wildfire,’” his Instagram story read. “Like brother, LA is up there.”
Other victims of WHERE? congregated in his comment section to share similar grievances about the organization. “She’s sending me these masks in bulk because of a plague that’s like, nine hours away from me,” lamented Atlas’ daughter, Zoe Atlas. “I can’t send them back fast enough. I’m genuinely running out of space in my apartment. Every time I open my door, there are just more masks.”
When asked to comment on her daughter’s reluctance to entertain her concerns, Montecristo began weeping openly. “As an Italian mother, I feel that my daughter simply doesn’t understand my passion for keeping her safe from all of the dangers looming in that strange land of fruits and nuts,” said Montecristo. “I have to tell her, ‘Bambina, I’m not yelling, I’m just passionate!’ Why isn’t she returning my calls?!”
When asked for comment on recent ICE raids and governmental action displacing innocent civilians across the city of San Diego, where their children live, Montecristo asked, “Where?”
