“Scan it! Ssshhhh. Zap it! Zzzz. Detain it! Clank,” said one BOP IT.
Photo by Amit Roth
In a press conference this past Friday, SDPD Chief of Police, Capt. Wilbur Porker, announced the development of new AI forensic investigative tools.
“As more and more CEOs, federal agents, and common folk become targets of hateful violence, we at the SDPD worked tirelessly to develop new crime-stopping techniques to protect our citizens,” Capt. Porker announced while bringing out a small “thing-a-mabob” branded with the city’s police department logo. “I present to you the Biometrics and Optical Processing Intelligence Technology, (BOP IT). This device will make it more efficient for your law enforcement to patrol the streets and stop crime before it even starts!”
Capt. Porker proceeded to demonstrate BOP IT’s features, including a state-of-the-art fingerprint scanner, a portable tire puncture stripe shooter, a SIRI-controlled biometric scan, and a built-in Remington M700 bolt action rifle.
Jonathan Krank, a forensic science researcher at UC San Diego, expressed the most excitement over BOP IT’s new pre-crime detection software. According to Krank, the tool works by scanning the surrounding area and detecting any potential risks for crime. In his demo of the product, he showed how BOP IT was able to scan a local pizza place and — based on customer biometrics, past owner criminal records, and even analysis of ingredients in the pizzas — predict that the pizza place would eventually become a hotspot for mafia activity. He says the police were able to shut down the establishment indefinitely, proving the crucial nature of the technology.
“We’re not just trying to stop crime, we’re trying to prevent it with the help of soulless machines,” Krank expressed. “The goal is to make sure our officers don’t even have to think when they make an arrest.”
Despite experts’ excitement over the new technology, the public is “on the fence” about the new development. In a recent Instagram post made by a local news source, users engaged in a heated debate. “I just think this is a bad idea; I mean this is the most right wing move I’ve ever seen in California! This is going to be detrimental to our black and brown families, not to mention our lower-income neighborhoods!” Instagram user @619daygodreamin warned. User @sirsuburb858 responded, “It’s San Diego, buddy. Move to a richer area if you want to avoid police ijbol,” and attached a GIF of South Park character Eric Cartman laughing.
Locals have begged the city to hold an open town hall meeting to discuss the proposals further, but Capt. Porker announced BOP IT would be authorized for all police usage immediately, claiming that it went through the necessary vetting stages two weeks ago, and is “probably fine.”
Within the first week of BOP IT’s commission, NBC 7 reported 20 individuals already being arrested, including one newborn. Both Capt. Porker and Mayor Todd Gloria praised the device for its “unrelenting” effectiveness.
Destiney is an enigma, downright gaseous if you will. A being of many words, but little thought. You may find them listening to Sabrina Carpenter or spacing out in very unfortunate places. Know that they perceive you and they are only a little bit concerned that you dislike them.
