“Yar har, me class-mateys,” said one self-proclaimed “First Matey.”
Photo by Destiney Friday
After years of loyalty to the United States Department of War, President Trump has signed an executive order to honor UC San Diego with a naval base along La Jolla Shores. According to the department, Naval Base UCSD will serve as a symbol for the youthful strength of the military.
This decision comes months after the Cabinet cut funding from various Ivy League universities following their refusal to heed the Presidential orders to roll back all DEI measures. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told the media that the President was very pleased with UCSD’s continued support of the development of a stronger United States military. She credited the Jacobs School of Engineering for its efforts in shaping the next generation of “Lockheeds and Martins.”
The first set of plans for the navy base were released this morning, with Chancellor Khosla boasting this would be the most ambitious expansion the university has seen since “the last one we did, or actually, maybe the one we’re currently doing. Sorry, I forget.” Blueprints for the base plan to stretch from La Jolla Shores to the Torrey Pines National Reserve and out upwards of 36,000 acres into the North Pacific Ocean.
“The Coronado and San Diego bases, while functional and all, operate more as a looming historical presence in the county. Naval Base UCSD represents our future,” explained Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “Literally.”
Alongside announcing the new naval base, UCSD unveiled the accompanying Department of Military Sciences. The department will offer majors such as Diplomacy, War Tactics, and Machine Operation. In addition, the Department of Military Sciences announced a catalogue of over 300 courses to choose from. Courses such as MIL 101: ROTC Basic Training have been added as general education requirements for all UCSD students commencing Fall 2026. University representatives expressed that “every student should have the opportunity to take advantage of these new resources that will guide them in the future.”
The base will hold these classes as well as host an entire fleet of naval ships. When asked how the base plans to accommodate all these amenities, Chancellor Khosla explained, “It’s a worthy expense: the base will essentially staff itself. I mean, seriously, it’s not like anyone is actually going to finish the program.”
When asked their opinions on the upcoming developments, students were unfazed by the “landmark decisions.” Many students expressed excitement about the possibility of working on the base. Max Martin, a third-year computer science major, expressed hope for the upcoming base: “Whew, I started to see no future in my degree. At least my backup plan is down the street!”
Secretary Hegseth claimed this would set off a “chain reaction” and re-militarize other California universities. “All it takes is for one school to show bravery, and the rest will bend their knee.”
Pending further announcement about Naval Base UCSD, the University has already released merchandise celebrating the announcement of the Base.
Destiney is an enigma, downright gaseous if you will. A being of many words, but little thought. You may find them listening to Sabrina Carpenter or spacing out in very unfortunate places. Know that they perceive you and they are only a little bit concerned that you dislike them.
