Following a “depressing” week for the stock market, venture capitalist firm SadeFirm has decided to invest in UC San Diego students. SadeFirm has been scouting campus looking for applicants they believe will give a return on investment within their lifespan. “We really are looking for the crème de la crème here. No ordinary engineering dud will give us the ROI we need to stay afloat. We’ve already dispensed 200 hundo thou-o in Series A funding in rising freshmen Roger and Tyler, two comp-sci students who made a Github repo in middle school,” said SadeFirm quantitative analyst Ross Rick.
Many “copycat” firms have begun trying to follow in their stead, leading to many students attempting to cash in on the craze. Theta Tau member Maximillion Rehnquist, one of the most sought-after students, commented on his seed capital success. “With this 4.9 GPA, Deloitte internship, and stable girlfriend, well, who wouldn’t want in on this action? I’m on track to the whitest of houses, if you catch my drift.”
While the market is “booming” according to those familiar with it, many bearing investors are skeptical on the possible ROI. Outspoken critic Moses Caesar commented, “They haven’t done their due diligence. All these students do is smoke pot and get their grades inflated by professors with a fervor to get tenured. It’s all going to crash.”
2001’s El Hombre del Siglo by Excelsior magazine and holder of UCSD’s Croatian Crotch Squat Championship Belt
