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La Jolla Hammerhead Admits Dissatisfaction with Local Real Estate, Heads Back to Mexico

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La Jolla Shores Beach was emptied last week in response to a hammerhead shark sighting. Contrary to popular belief and hearsay, the shark had not arrived …

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Freshman Pre-Med Calls It, UCSD’s Official Time of Death Oct. 9, 10:28 PM

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On October 9, Michael Zhao officially called it. Listing the time of death as 10:28 pm, Zhao loudly proclaimed that UCSD truly was UC Socially Dead. …

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Undeclared Major Impacted

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UC San Diego announced yesterday that it is declaring its “Undeclared” major impacted due to record enrollment and unprecedented demand for the major. This comes after …

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Study Finds Men More Masculine Than Ever

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Men have been found to be manlier than ever, as reported by a recent scientific study. Researchers attribute this increase in manliness to factors including the …

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Area Cat First Ever to Catch the Red Dot

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Guthrie Jagermanjensen, a seven-year-old British shorthair from Claremont Mesa accomplished the “glorious feat” of catching the red dot that has eluded cats around the world for …

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Disgruntled Tour Guide Leads Group Up Peterson Hill

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In an ongoing campus tour, third-year undergraduate tour guide Irene Montani led her 24-person tour group up the entirety of Peterson Hill in frustration at her …