“You bet I had an accident here,” says James Riddle, a notorious public urinator. “After three cups of the special ‘Iced Mocha Madness,’ I was really ready to take a leak, and I went up to ask where the bathroom was. I found the barista behind the counter and asked him where I could handle my business, but I don’t think he heard me. And I thought, of course, all these useless millennials do is listen to dubstep music instead of having real jobs. He just kind of gave me this look and cocked his head a little. I tried speaking up a little louder and a little slower, asking him a second time, and he wasn’t even looking in my direction! The nerve of this new generation! At that point, I really had to go, and I was pretty sure the customers behind me were watching me try to ask him. That’s when I decided that it’s about time some change happened around here.”
The police found Riddle in a puddle of his own urine no more than three feet from the counter he purportedly walked up to. Eyewitnesses claimed that Riddle climbed onto the counter and condemned “this leftist establishment,” before urinating in his pants and leaping off the edge. Prior to this incident, Riddle was mostly known for his political podcast, “The Politically Incorrectuals,” which garnered over 50 listeners in the past year.
Barista Joel Peters was found mopping up Riddle’s mess by the seating area. “Uh, who? Oh. Oh yeah, this dude came up to me, but he just kind of mumbled at me, man. He seemed kinda worried, but I was trying to fire-up the milk steamer for another lady’s order and I have to pay special attention to the timing on our cappuccinos if I don’t want to get chewed-out by my manager, so I had to leave for a second. Also, having the espresso machines running all the time makes it kind of hard to hear around here. Most of the staff communicate in ASL these days. Anyway, I just have people point at their order on our menu and when they try to talk to me, I do what I always do with customers — smile and nod. Works every time, bro. Except this time, I guess.”
Riddle is already writing a new political memoir — his fourth this year — from the “drunk tank” of the local police department. “This is only the beginning,” he says, furiously writing on the back of his citation paperwork. “The location of that puddle will become the birthplace of the second American Revolution.” Riddle’s new book, “Nature’s Call: The Definitive Guide to Taking Back a Nation Turned Liberal,” comes out this November.