News
Local Renaissance Faire Holiday Feast Serves Blood of a Heretic Instead of Turkey
A local Renaissance faire “spiced up” their Thanksgiving feast this year with authentic medieval cuisine, including the boiled blood of a heretic. “I’m just happy to …
Area Manager Voices Confusion About Why Employees “Just Keep Striking”
On Friday, November 30, local manager Craig Henser released a statement regarding his workers’ recent massive strike over pay cuts and reduced benefits, stating, “I understand …
Chancellor Khosla to Present “Holiday Gift” to UC San Diego Community
UC San Diego Chancellor Pradeep Khosla will present the UC San Diego community with a “holiday gift” this Friday in honor of the University’s commitment to …
New Starbucks Cups Anger Groups
The greatly anticipated annual designs for Starbucks’ 2018 holiday cups have finally arrived, and this year, they reportedly feature multiple patterns. Hoping to skirt controversy, Starbucks …
After Positive Reception of “Detective Pikachu” Movie, SEGA Announces Upcoming “Secret Agent Sonic”
Director Pete Docter has expressed confidence that Secret Agent Sonic will surpass the popularity of Detective Pikachu. “Seriously, a talking pokemon? Not to mention realistic, furry …
UCSD Announces Plans for Khosla to Head Sun God Festival Lineup
Undergraduates have, with more frequency as of late, been using Sun God Festival to relax in between midterms for the past 35 years. More recently, however, …
Recyclables Now Part of Water Cycle
Many people in Seattle, Washington expressed surprise when, instead of the usual rainy weather that greeted them, a variety of bottles and cans landed on their …
Area Ass Just Won’t Quit
After many of her Twitter followers called for her to retire and local teenagers nicknamed her “the Dumbass of San Diego,” area Ass Fanny Kiester announced …
Students Take Bank Robbery Work-Study in Lieu of Financial Aid
Chancellor Khosla revealed his upcoming plan to solve financial aid difficulties undergraduate students struggle with on Sunday. “With students complaining about the financial aid office never …
Yale Law School Replaces LSAT Requirement with Drinking Game Tournament
Yale University, the number one ranking law school in the United States, has instituted a dramatic change to its admissions policy. Rather than having applicants take …
