Chancellor Khosla revealed his upcoming plan to solve financial aid difficulties undergraduate students struggle with on Sunday. “With students complaining about the financial aid office never accepting their calls, I made the executive decision to abolish the office altogether.” When asked for more details about his decision, Khosla stated, “FAFSA already robs everyone, so let’s go ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ on that bitch.”
Some professors speculated that the former financial aid office may be used to prepare heists, or as the US Department of Education prefers to call it, “bank robbery work-study.” In addition to an intricate interpretation of Khosla’s announcement, several faculty members witnessed what appears to be firearms cases being unloaded from trucks into the office. Faculty also heard loud, piercing shockwave noises late at night, possibly indicating a firing range on campus, which violates the no guns on campus policy. “I saw the financial-aid office workers being trained with red lasers! I’m scared they weren’t teaching them to play with cats,” said first-year Elizabeth Rogers.
UCSD is already known for offering 62 percent of undergraduate students’ financial aid, 24 percent lower than the national average. However, this program would provide a larger amount of funding to a larger population of students, potentially offering all students a full ride. While many undergraduate students initially avoid working, due to the fear of not being able to balance classes and work, the bank robbery work-study program is a one time “high-risk, high-reward” job.
This new initiative will allow students currently working on their master’s in criminal justice to oversee undergraduate students who need financial assistance. “We have partnered with some former mobsters, felons, and general hooligans to teach students how to pop a cap in someone’s ass if need be,” said graduate student Dante Chang. “Our first goal is to mentor them on strategies to make a clean break, or if not clean, then relatively tidy.”
With rumors spreading about the soon-to-be new financial aid crisis, undergraduates have reported mixed opinions on the new situation. “On one hand I support it because I need the money. On the other hand … no, I just need the money. I’m in,” said Muir College undergraduate student Emily Walton.
Sigmund Aragon, also an undergraduate student of Muir College, thought differently of the situation: “Robbing banks is not the way to solve our problems. We can all solve our problems simply by not going to school, practicing self-care, and becoming vegetarian.”
At the end of the statement, Khosla made a remark concerning his new approach to the university’s financial support of students. “The price of tuition has caused immeasurable suffering to students, but I’m relieved to know we can now end this financial violence with actual, physical violence. As our fight song says, ‘U-C-S-D! Fight! Fight! Fight!’”