November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Yale Law School Replaces LSAT Requirement with Drinking Game Tournament

Written by: Dexter Hamilton

“Fireball tastes better this way anyway,” Quor said.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Yale University, the number one ranking law school in the United States, has instituted a dramatic change to its admissions policy. Rather than having applicants take the Law School Admission Test, or LSAT, prospective students are required to compete in a series of drinking games. These competitions, including Beer Pong, are completed in a tournament that leads to a competitive Devil’s Triangle. At each stage, points are awarded for victory, drinks consumed, and how effectively applicants hide their music taste from peers; points are deducted for vomiting, stopping a woman from drinking a drugged beverage, and other offenses. Blacking out is a disqualifying action, but potential students elude penalty if they simply deny it ever happened.

While traditional factors in applications will continue to be evaluated, such as position on high school football team, connections to the admissions office, etc., Dean of Admissions Al Kohall has stressed the importance of the new metric, stating that, “It is impossible to cope with the reality of a lawyer’s 80-hour work week sober, and we believe this will ensure admission of students who are capable of excelling in the workforce.” He later added: “Students will also be prepared for the long Connecticut winters. You think I want to spend my time being cold and sad in the middle of nowhere and remember it?”

This current year’s applicants are in the midst of the tournament. Half are still standing and the other half already passed out after the first round, which consisted exclusively of ping pong ball based games. The second stage, occurring now, involves drinking until somebody finds the rules of Devil’s Triangle in an emptied-out law textbook on sex crimes, which will commence the final round. Reactions from these applicants has been mixed. Some commented on the fact that they would have been drinking heavily regardless and might as well be working on their future while doing so. Others reflected the thoughts of the quickly eliminated Katherine Kantdrink, who stated, “I spent years preparing the best possible background and knowledge base for my application, and it is absurd that I would lose my spot to the same men who stole my Adderall.”

The American Bar Association also criticized the change due to worry about misconceptions. Spokesperson Everyl Awyer said, “The general public, as well as law students, may fail to realize that the Bar exam is a two-day intensive test focused on legal principles rather than an assessment of one’s ability to consume beverages served at a college bar.” However, some Yale graduates advising the exam’s production have reportedly created a “drinking game or sex act?” portion to be added in 2019.

Further scrutiny has come from some alumni, including Alli Quor and Ivan Tashot, who released a joint statement declaring: “Evaluating poise and ability while under the influence is an attack on the great tradition of this school. Instead, focus should purely be on the quantity of drinks that applicants can consume before death by alcohol poisoning. This new policy could lead to a potential future leader — a Congressman or a Supreme Court Justice — not getting the chance he is entitled to by virtue of his family history and high school athletics.” When newly appointed Justice Brett Kavanaugh was asked to comment on the decision of his alma mater, Kavanaugh simply responded, “I like beer.”

Niche Content Editor at The MQ

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