“The plague adds a really nice tang to the meat,” said an attendee.
Photo by: Jessica Ma
A local Renaissance faire “spiced up” their Thanksgiving feast this year with authentic medieval cuisine, including the boiled blood of a heretic. “I’m just happy to be included; this is turning out to be one hell of a barbecue!” said Adam Johnson, the blaspheming Ottoman in question, his mouth crammed full of stuffing. “It’s not every day I get to come to an event like this. They even offered to have me for dinner!”
Attendees reported that Johnson was then burned at the stake to a “delicious char” and basted with holy water until golden brown. “I never knew retaking Jerusalem could taste so good!” said self proclaimed Knight of the Lord Thomas J. Bender, his mouth full with a chunk of Turk drumstick. The beverages available to attendees included water turned purple by “an honestly disgusting amount of food dye,” and side dishes included a well-received cranberry sauce made from rosary beads. Mashed potatoes and gravy made with the blood and giblets of several other heretics was also served.
The merrymaking was disrupted by a protest when a cadre of Ottoman soldiers arrived on the scene, appearing to protest in the name of animal rights. When a charge was organized against them, it was discovered that they were only turkeys in Janissary suits. However, it appeared that this fact didn’t dissuade the enthusiastic looking attendees. Gerald Royer, one of the attendees, reportedly shouted “DEUS VULT!” as he beat one of the birds into submission.
Once the fighting and feasting was through, the faire organizers added the corpses to the fire and brought out pie for dessert. According to witnesses, a series of “glory” rang out as the crusaders devoured the spoils when an argument broke out. Edward R. Graf, 34, and William J. Shields, 55, got into a altercation, the former arguing the faire should proceed to Jerusalem as planned and the latter suggesting a siege on Byzantium instead. The conflict was decisively ended by Shields, who smashed Edward’s skull using the head of the Thanksgiving Ottoman, which had already been picked clean — leaving only bone. The faire has since departed, but the organizers have already announced a follow-up next November with royal blood sausage and peasant jerky on the menu.
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