November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Recyclables Now Part of Water Cycle

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Homeless plastic collectors are now reportedly making six figures.
Photo by: Jan Hsiao

Many people in Seattle, Washington expressed surprise when, instead of the usual rainy weather that greeted them, a variety of bottles and cans landed on their heads last Monday. This caused mass panic, a few mild concussions, and some minor umbrella damage. After the storm had subsided, residents of Seattle quickly contacted their local meteorologists, who provided an answer as to why such an odd phenomenon had occurred. Due to climate change and an excess amount of people refusing to recycle, “Mother Nature herself” had decided to “take vengeance on humankind for its disrespect toward her.”

“It’s incredible, really,” reported local meteorologist Matthew Tenor. “Before now, we never had any proof such a thing was possible, but now, recyclables are the only thing that are raining down all across the country.”

As Tenor claimed, such incidents have occurred throughout the United States. At one point in San Francisco, California, the falling bottles aligned to spell out the words “you did this” and “rip lol,” shocking and confusing many residents. Similar incidents have occurred from coast to coast, becoming a problem for hundreds of thousands of American citizens.

Despite this act of supernatural retribution, many people are refusing to take shelter or buy stronger umbrellas, believing everything to be a complete hoax. One such person, Daniel O’Reilly, stated his belief that people were being hired to throw recyclables down on others and pretend that it was a natural occurrence.

“I mean, think about it. Why would the environment try to take revenge? We never did anything to it. This is all nothing but hogwash,” said O’Reilly. “It’s probably some hippie conspiracy to make me buy those useless blue bins with the arrows on them. At least, that’s what the TV told me.”

Before reporters could get more from O’Reilly, he walked to his 1972 Ford SUV and threw a variety of objects out of his window before leaving a cloud of tire smoke as he drove over multiple flowerbeds.

Currently, there seems to be no way to solve the problem or appease the spirit of nature. Meteorologists advise the public to check the weather, and if there is any type of chance of precipitation, to use a very heavy-duty umbrella. Though there is no evidence that an increase in recycling and
praying would have an effect, the meteorologists claim that “it couldn’t hurt.” Additionally, sacrifices of certain CEOs have been recommended to “appease the nature spirit’s bloodlust.”

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