“I’m the fastest thing alive,” Sonic said, “but I wasn’t fast enough to stop the bullet.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma

Following the release of multiple trailers for the live-action Pokemon movie “Detective Pikachu,” plans have been released for a new movie titled “Secret Agent Sonic.” Based on the popular SEGA franchise, “Sonic the Hedgehog,” the movie will follow the games’ protagonist Sonic in a live-action portrayal of the popular character embarking on a spy mission. The first trailer advertises “Sonic like you’ve never seen him before” in a “gritty adventure about secrecy, murder, and friendship.”

Director Pete Docter has expressed confidence that Secret Agent Sonic will surpass the popularity of Detective Pikachu. “Seriously, a talking pokemon? Not to mention realistic, furry monsters. It’s some uncomfortable stuff and just a really strange choice. Sonic has been speaking English before this talking Pikachu hatched from his weirdo electric rodent egg, and he’s been making people uncomfortable and disappointed for even longer. Have you even played Sonic ‘06?”

One of the trailers released last week revealed the star-studded cast. Sonic the Hedgehog will be voiced by Parks and Recreation actor Aziz Ansari, who commented, “I’m excited to tackle this role. I get to throw in a few jokes of course, but Sonic really shines in his final match with his arch nemesis, Dr. Eggman. You’ll have to watch and see how that plays out.”

Whoopi Goldberg, who voices Eggman, expressed similar sentiments on the movie. “I think this Socknick guy will really resonate with today’s youth. He vapes, dabs, and drinks boba just like the kids who are going to come out and see this film. I am just delighted to be able to take on a role that shows how hip and spry I am.”

During an exclusive interview with Gold Rings Magazine, Ansari spoke more about the plot of “Secret Agent Sonic,” stating, “So we find Sonic down on his luck because he just split up with his alcoholic girlfriend Amy Rose, voiced by my talented costar Anne Hathaway. Sonic was also just put on leave from his comfy law enforcement job after the exposure of his involvement in the illegal trading of chaos emeralds. But his luck changes when he finds himself wrapped up with a group of Eggman’s badniks, and Sonic gets his chance to get his job and his girlfriend back. I don’t want to reveal too much, but let’s just say this story is fast, fun, and fucking fantastic.”

Although the reception to the trailers has been overall favorable, many parents are concerned with the message that “Secret Agent Sonic” is sending to kids. Local parent Regina Parker told reporters, “I remember a time when videogame characters were nonviolent and were never motivated by sex or wealth, but now this Sonic is teaching my children to get involved in the black market? I miss the days when I was just angry that he set an unreasonable expectation for my nerdy, sonic-loving loser of a child to be good at running.”

In response to some backlash after the trailers initially began airing, Docter issued a press release defending the film, saying, “Those who claim that we are misrepresenting Sonic have clearly never played a Sonic game. Sonic the Hedgehog has always been a crime-fighting, whisky-drinking, coke-snorting, porn-addicted family favorite. Those who find issue with that can take it up with Hajime Satomi over at SEGA. But for everyone else who plans on seeing the film, I’m sure you will agree with our score on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s a solid 82.”

“Secret Agent Sonic” premiers on December 18 and will be playing in at least two theatres nationwide.