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Scientists Discover the Deal With Airline Food, Observational Comedians Rendered Useless

Written by: Sage Cristal

Over the past weekend, billion dollar research institution ONYXX published a report with the most recent findings of their five-year long investigation into the automation of …

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CBS Greenlights New Series “Young Frasier”

Written by: Brandon Mougel

In the wake of CBS’s smash success “Young Sheldon,” audiences should expect to “hear the blues a-callin again” as the network has confirmed its intention to …

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Computer Science Department Gets New Lab, It’s Adorable

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

UCSD computer science students recently had a major positive change in their working environment with a new CSE lab added to the building, named Freddie. Reportedly, …

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High Schools Nationwide Castrate Student Body as Part of a Sex Education Initiative

Written by: Quoc Tran

As part of a new sexual education initiative that went into effect on February 1st, school districts nationwide have started castrating students in high school. The …

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Massive Earthquake Hits Pangea Parking Structure, New Lots Formed

Written by: Declan Sullivan

At 10:39 p.m. on February 4, UC San Diego suffered a massive earthquake, reaching an 8.2 on the Richter Scale. University officials have stated that although …

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Disney Announces Plan To Acquire Entire State of California

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

Late last night, Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, took the general public by surprise by tweeting that the company had started drafting plans …

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Dating App Matches Students Based on Laptop Stickers

Written by: Mishelle Arakelian

First impressions matter, and if you spend most of your time with your laptop, chances are the first impression of your laptop matters too. This was …

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East Coast Really Cold, Showing Signs that Global Warming Ceased

Written by: Samantha Cane

Despite the East Coast’s unforseen cold front during winter of 2017, scientists claim the event shows a “positive” outlook for Earth’s future, and future rising temperatures …

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Local Man’s Seasonal Depression Revealed To Be Regular Depression

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Until late last Wednesday, local man Jeremiah Anderson was believed to have been suffering from seasonal depression. It wasn’t until further inspection by those close to …

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Antitrust Laws Break Up the PornHub Network, Ensuring Pornographic Equity

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Teenagers, adults, and certain senior citizens were shocked last week as a groundbreaking antitrust case, United States v. MindGeek USA Inc., finally reached a verdict, tearing …